SO TIRED!!!!!

Well, it is 4:18am and I am awake...not only am I awake, but I will be awake for approx. 21 more hours (and I have been up since 10:30 this morning!) I'm not complaining...I am with my husband, some best friends, and our awesome students! When Ben was a youth, his youth pastor had a 24 hour new year's party...we now do this with our students (but not every year). I am hoping and praying to be home and in bed by 1 am Sat. morn!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Mine was, well, trying...I was so hopeful that we would be sharing exciting news with our families. That definitely did NOT happen. On Christmas eve, I had a lot of bleeding. I called Ben in and cried...not just tears, but those gut wrenching sobs that you just can't control. I was certain that I had been pregnant and was now miscarrying. I was not due for my cycle to start for nearly a week, and this did not seem like my normal cycle. I did a lot of research on miscarriage versus implantation bleeding. I had myself convinced that maybe it really was implantation bleeding, but as the days went on, it was obvious it was something else. We called and made an appt. with the doc. No miscarriage-mixed emotions about this...if it was a miscarriage, that means something in my body actually worked! Since it wasn't, it simply means my body failed me again. We are taking more aggressive measures with this next IUI (which will be this coming Thursday, so for all you prayer warriors, I would appreciate those prayers!!!) I'm scared to get my hopes up again. I'm scared to try again, but know I would regret it if we did not try.

On top of all of this, my brother called yesterday with big news...he and my sister in law are pregnant again! I'm excited to be an aunt again, but so heartbroken. He said they were on birth control...OUCH! Now I feel like my family is avoiding me, like I'm this fragile little being that might completely shatter if anyone even calls. Maybe it's just my stupid emotions and hormones making me feel like this, but I would have at least appreciated someone calling to see if I'm ok...I don't want to always hide, but this makes me feel like that's what I'm supposed to do. Do they expect me to call and act like nothing is wrong? That my heart is not hurting?

Anyways, I hope this message even makes sense. I'm so tired and probably shouldn't be writing, but the students are playing a game now, so it's quiet...FOR NOW:)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Christmas Christmas time is here!!!

Merry Christmas Eve eve!!! I so love this time of year. I love the fact that our families live close enough to each other that we get to see both on Christmas day (but far enough that Ben and I get to spend a few hours together-JUST US!!!) We got to Texas on Tuesday evening and didn't do much except watch a movie that I had given Ben for Christmas. On Wednesday, we ate lunch with my bro, then my sister, dad, and I went to see the Nutcracker! It was super special because he used to take us when we were little girls! I have been asking Ben to take me, so I think he was especially excited that he got out of it-haha! After the show, we picked up Elliot and Chloe (my sweet, sweet niece and nephew) and they spent the night with us! There is nothing sweeter that waking up to those smiling faces and hugs! We took them to the mall, where we met up with my other bro. and nephew, and took the babies for rides on the carousel they have...they had a blast!

Tonight we ate dinner at my aunt Dee's. This has been a tradition around Christmas time for as long as I can remember. She began these dinners as a way to give my mom a break from cooking for a family of 6...it is always so great to be with everyone! I don't know if it was exhaustion, the fact that I had been with my sweet niece and nephew all day, or the 2 negative (but early) pregnancy tests, but just before dessert, the tears were flowing. I felt so embarrassed that I could not pull myself together. My oldest bro finally came over and started making jokes about something I cannot remember, but I was so thankful. I was finally able to compose myself, but not before everyone knew that my eyes were now a puffy mess.

I really thought this time was it! Everything was right according to the doctor. We had it planned how we would tell everyone, and I even thought some symptoms I typically have by now before starting, were not there. My temp still looked good, etc. I'm so empty inside. We told many friends and family before our last IUI and asked for their prayers. Now we have to go back and tell everyone that it was just not God's timing. I see my brothers and sisters-in-law with my nieces and nephews and I want it so badly. I don't think I will ever understand couples who never want children. There is nothing wrong with that AT ALL, I just personally cannot understand.

We will test one more time tomorrow, just to make sure. I really have no hope, but Ben thinks we should just in case. I don't even want to look. I already know that there will be that one single and lonely line staring up at me. Both of our daddies said we would be pregnant by Christmas...I guess it just wasn't this one.

before IUI #3...

Well, we are so close to IUI #3! I'm excited...and anxious...and nervous...and SCARED!!! After our most recent ultrasound, I was pretty bummed...not everything was perfect during our last IUI...I won't go into detail, but some counts were low that should have been much higher. Why was this not told to us at the appointment? Why did we spend nearly $300 for something that had less than our already small chance of working? I was very upset! But for some reason, all of that seems to fade when I start thinking that, if all counts are good, we will be, once again, possibly PREGNANT!

Life has been crazy with church stuff, Christmas stuff, family, planning a ski trip for March with some AWESOME friends...it has been a good distraction, but I often catch myself thinking that come Christmas day, we may be announcing some big news! or wallowing in self-pity...I'm personally hoping for the first option:)

We have made the decision to tell some of our close friends and family exactly when our IUI will be (when we find out). We want all the prayer we can get, without all the questions following. We truly have such an amazing support system at our church-they are family when our families are not here to hug us, hold us, and let us cry. I have especially been so grateful to a friend at church named Jason. I have prayed and prayed for Ben to have at least one close friend to share with, or vent to, or just spend time with. Jason has been that for Ben and I am so very thankful! Jason, you are a Godsend!!!

I'm hoping to have exciting news to put on here soon, but if not, I will still keep trusting that God knows my deepest desires and that, for whatever reason, it is just not our time! Happy Wednesday!

life after iui #2

Well, things have been kinda crummy lately...we got home from Thanksgiving and we think our mouse problem is taken care of-at least for now! That's not so crummy I guess:)
We are still not pregnant...I took 2 tests because I did not start when I thought I should...more hopefulness only to be taken away. We went back to the doctor on Monday. I have to have an ultrasound every time before I start the Femara, just to make sure no cysts have formed since the last time. I was doing fine when we got there, but as soon as he came in and asked how I was, I lost it. The tears started flowing and didn't stop...I was so thankful to have Ben there with me (he didn't think he would be able to get away). The news was about the same...no new cysts, will call to schedule IUI in a few weeks, count was not good last time but it can fluctuate. Now the waiting game, followed by more waiting. I am on the verge of tears every second of every day it seems. I'm sure a lot of it is just hormones and medicine, but I hate it...I'm NOT a crier.

Our fridge stopped working this week...that was another $130...so our month has been:
mouse traps and poison: $25
Femara: $30
1st consultation with fertility doc that we were not billed for but threatened to be sent to collections: $198
2nd IUI w/ ultrasound: $350
3rd IUI w/ ultrasound: $350
the anticipation of hopefully becoming pregnant in just under 2 weeks: PRICELESS!!!
Happy Wednesday:)

I don't know what the future holds, but know someone who does!

So, it's only Tuesday...we had yesterday off of work, and still, this has already proven to be one of the most awful weeks to date! The weekend was awesome! We were super pumped because we spent the weekend at the Youth Ministry Forum-every year, the Bapt. General Convention puts on a Forum for youth pastors and their wives. We worship, attend break out sessions, and just get reminded how much God loves us and go home thanking Him for allowing us to be a part of students lives!

Our best friends were there so that was extra special-Daniel and Cheryl, WE LOVE YOU!!! Things started out rocky when it seemed like every wife, other than me, was either pregnant or carrying her "fresh from the hospital" baby. Don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful they are welcomed to bring these beautiful little things, but there were a few times I was wishing they didn't. I fought back tears for a while, and then during the first worship session, I looked over to see a mom in front of me holding her new baby and singing these worship songs to him. I completely fell apart. There is nothing sweeter or more heart-breaking at the same time. I made it through the rest of the weekend ok, knowing that there was still a chance that this second IUI worked. Right after the IUI, I had trouble sleeping. This happens a lot just before I start...I was worried, but knew that the IUI had not had time to really work. The longer I went without sleep, the more exhausted (which always makes me cry) I got and began losing hope.

Put all of that in the back of your mind as I move on for a second. Before going away for the weekend, Ben and I spotted a mouse in our house-EEEEEEEWWWWW!!!!!! People kept saying that it's normal this time of year, especially since we live close to some fields. We bought a no-kill trap, only after my emotional melt down in Wal-Mart because I did not think these mice should have to die! When we got home from the conference, the strategically placed, peanut butter covered trap worked-3 mice!!! Ben let them go and we felt confident until.....Sunday night watching TV, I heard something in the kitchen. We paused the tv and there were 2 little mice peeking out from the top and bottom of our stove-EEEEEWWW!!!!!!!!!! I quickly went to wal-mart again, this time with a different attitude...THEY MUST DIE!! We have not caught any more but have 17 traps set out while we are gone for Thanksgiving!

This brings us to yesterday. I was awake most of the night, and at 5am took a test. Big surprise-it was negative. I spent the next several minutes crying in the bathroom so as not to wake Ben up. I finally got back into bed, turned the tv on and cried into the comforter. All hope was lost. All of the thoughts of how we would tell our families over Thanksgiving went away. I was an empty, broken, angry, and hopeless being. After I told Ben, we cried together for a bit, then went to lunch. When we came back, we decided to be proactive on the mouse front, and spent the next 3 hours cleaning and re-packing the garage. Ben went inside for something and yelled from the laundry room. It seems a hose was loose, and there was water EVERYWHERE! Part of our wood floor is ruined and, if we cannot dry it out, the carpet in the back bedroom. I lost it. I yelled until I couldn't anymore. It was too much. My sister in law called and I broke into sobs. I took a walk and came back and yelled some more. Then my brother called and I fell apart again. Ben just held me and let me cry.

For whatever reason, I was so very hopeful this month. I did everything right. I stopped drinking caffeine, I didn't work out so as not to raise my body temp., I didn't lift anything heavy, I ate right, but yet my body failed me. Words cannot explain the hurt I feel. Why can't we get pregnant? What if it still doesn't work with the next IUI? We can't afford the other options.

Ben has been so great and continues to be. I am so dedicated to not letting Satan have any victory in this-at least not any more than I gave him yesterday! God is still in control!!!
(sorry for the novel if you make it this far:))

ramblings

So I only have a few minutes before I need to head over and help the hubby get ready for youth tonight, but wanted to share a few things...
-I have been reading this FANTASTIC book (at least in my opinion) that I got from the doctor's office on Sunday...it's called "Every Drunken Cheerleader...Why Not Me?" It is hilarious and heart-breaking...it really just solidifies the fact that I am not alone in this crazy infertile world! This book is great if you are struggling with the big "I" as she calls it (infertility), or if you have a friend who might be going through it. It explains all about the crazy hormone induced rages she went through, how difficult it was to be a friend when you need a friend, the never ending (or so it seems) onslaught of baby shower invites or announcements that make you weep when you think about them...but it also puts it all into perspective. I could choose to wallow in self pity and never leave home, or I can live my wonderful life that God has given me, strive to be the best wife and friend possible, and know that God will never give me anything I cannot handle! This is not to say that I won't have or feel entitled to my moments of what I assume agony feels like. I will still cry in less than a week if the pregnancy test is negative. I will still only want my husband to cry on for the day, but will secretly hope friends will text, because who wants to go through this without that support?! But I know that if the test is negative, we will try again!

Onto the second reason for this post...I was able to go home for a few minutes between working at church and the students arriving, so me and Barker (my cute and oh so cuddly dog) decided to watch The Doctors...this episode dealt with drug addiction. They had teens girls on who were addicts and one had had 2 miscarriages. They then showed a center for babies that came from moms with drug addictions. I sobbed for probably 20 minutes...it was the most awful thing I have ever seen...how can people do that to an unborn child? Why would you ever think that was ok??? I cannot with words explain how badly I want a child, and to see that makes me sick!!!!

That is all for now...hope everyone has a great rest of their Wednesday!

week in a nut shell

This week has been exhausting, wonderful, stressful, joy-filled, long, but awesome!!! I think we worked close to 70 hours this week, but it was all worth it! We had our ENCOUNTER meetings Wed-Fri. night with Afshin Ziafat. If you have never heard him or heard of him, you are missing out (I'm sure there are things on youtube). He is an evangelist with an amazing story...basically, he grew up Muslim, became a believer, his family disowned him then took him back, he told his dad he was going to go into the ministry, his dad disowned him again, relationships have been restored, and he now preaches about the goodness of our Father all over! We saw many saved this week which was so exciting!!!

That has pretty much been our week...the distraction has been good, although I find myself checking my calendar, counting days, trying to figure out when we might go back for round 2 at the good 'ol doc's office:) I'm scared and excited, nervous and hopeful, anxious and terrified...I'm pretty much a big bag of emotions! But hey, I'm a girl, so I'm aloud to be!!! :)

I hope everyone has a great Sunday, and enjoyed that extra hour this morning!!!
"He loves us, oh how He loves us!"

good report

The doctor's appointment yesterday went about how we expected...I was so thankful Ben could be there with me! No cysts-PTL!! We started the meds today, then in a few weeks we will go back for iui #2...I think the best part about the procedure (other than the fact that I could finally get pregnant) is that I am ordered to lay around the rest of the day and take it easy:) I can handle that!!!

Ben and I talked more on a walk with our child (furry, four legs, and cute as can be), and discussed more what IVF versus adoption would look like. We didn't come to any conclusions. It is hard to just live in the now, and not think about the what-ifs. I wish I could be a positive polly and not a negative nelly, but thanks to my wonderful mom (and she truly is), I think I have inherited a forever glass half empty gene:( It all balances out though...Ben always sees the positive in every situation it seems! It just reinforces the fact that God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought us together!!!

Well, we are off to vote! Happy Tuesday:)

no time!!!

I truly don't have time to post, but feel like things are moving so fast and if I don't write about them, I will forget!

First of all, let me just say again what a blessing it is for my husband to be on staff at the church we are at! Our pastor and his wife are some of the most amazing people I have ever encountered...we have never felt as loved as we do here! Our staff as a whole are just incredible! Everyone has their ups and downs, but at the end of the day, I think everyone can truly say how well we work together and just love each other.

Next, WE OPENED OUR NEW YOUTH BUILDING!!!! Last week was so difficult, as we were not ever home except to sleep and shower...not to mention that because I am a girl, I apparently have certain hormones that decide to keep me awake all night! By the time Wednesday rolled around, I was a big mess. Ben and I were so distant-he was doing his thing and I was doing mine...when worship started that evening, I started crying. I didn't cry out of sadness, but just thankfulness that God's presence was so real! After worship and Ben speaking, we moved into the youth building for a short time of worship...here come the tears again! It was amazing to see 10 years of planning on Ben's part, and God's faithfulness come together!!! We had our first official Sunday morning in there yesterday and I think the students loved it:)

Finally, we are still on this what seems like a never-ending journey with infertility. We did have our first IUI on October 16th...it was unsuccessful (which is probably why the water works were flowing last week-ha!) We are scheduled for an ultrasound today to make sure I do not have any new cysts growing...if all goes well, I will start round 2 of Femara, track my temp. and other fun things, then IUI #2...I am not sure what my emotions will be like if this one does not work. After failure #1, at least we have 2 more to try...now, if this one fails, we are down to one chance. Ben and I briefly talked this morning about IVF versus adoption...both are incredible expensive, and potentially heart breaking...as always, I know God is in control. He will never give us more than we can bear!!!

God is so good, and I am so not!

This week is very exciting! Our youth building was approved by the fire marshall, which means that, at least part of the time, our students will finally get to see, explore, and enjoy what they have been waiting so long for!!! God showed up in a big way this past Sunday. Some may say that God always shows up and maybe we were the ones to finally show...maybe so. But all I know is that felt God's presence more than ever this past Sunday. The room was thick with his love, kindness, gentleness, and mercy.
I really feel like God has some big things in the works for our sweet church. Satan knows this and has been working furiously to derail all that God has to offer. This week has been filled with heartache for so many of our friends. My heart hurts for them. I also know that it is when we are weak that HE is strong!
We are so blessed to be a part of this church and the people God has here! Our church is not perfect, as none is...but our church family comes together and rallies behind one another in a way I cannot describe!
I am so frail. I have so many weaknesses. My heart hurts. But God is not frail. He is strong, and He wants to take my pain!
My prayer for anyone who may read this is that, whatever you are going through, know that God is there. He wants you to tell Him. If you need to yell, then yell! If you need to cry, then cry. He so desperately wants to be connected to you!

it's been a while!

As I read more and more blogs, I realize that I really appreciate the outlet...it is comforting to know others understand, and get tips on things that I may not understand! I always thought a diary was so cool, but never kept up with it...I really want to keep up with this! I want this to be something I can look back and read, and be reminded of just how faithful God truly is!

Things have been so great lately! Ben and I were able to go on a cruise in September to Mexico...it was a much needed vacation! We had a BLAST and it was hard to come home to reality...although we sure did miss Barker:) I keep thinking about how much I love that silly dog and how much more I will love a real little person!

For now, life is so busy, that we do not have extended amounts of time to dwell on what we wish we had. We are so close to opening our new youth building at church, so every spare moment is spent working or planning for all that entails! We are super excited to see how God will use those metal walls to bring students to the saving knowledge of Him!!!

On another note, can anyone tell me how to upload pics here???
Thanks:)

A series of unfortunate events

Wow! I can't believe I am blogging again! After I "stepped in stupid", as my mom told me, I had decided not to blog anymore. After this morning, I just couldn't help myself!

You see, I babysit a little girl who is 9 months old. It has turned into a much larger "babysitting job" than originally agreed to, but because I am not big on confrontation or talking much about my thoughts (which is why I LOVE blogging), I have let it become this monster (the job not the baby:))
Anyways, her dad drops her off pretty early-7am-which is ridiculously early for me! When he brings her in today, he tells me that he changed her diaper before leaving, but on the 20 min drive to my house, she decides to make a bit of a mess in her diaper. Thinking we caught it early, I thought no big deal. Upon further review, it seems she has had a blow-out...all over her, her clothes, her carseat, etc. Now, typically, and I don't understand this, they do not pack extra clothes for her (even though I have told them this is pretty typical for her), but dad happened to have an outfit in his car-yea!!! So after he hurries off to work, I begin to change baby. I have her standing up and supporting her with one hand, while trying to get the diaper off with the other...i successfully remove the diaper (she is standing on a towel since I am not a mother and that is the best I can do for a changing table). As soon as the diaper comes off, I hear a splattering noise...turns out she decided not to pee until she could land it on my rug!!! So I pick her and the towel up and rush to the sink.

As I am traveling from living room to kitchen, I look over to see that apparently dad had stepped in the lovely red clay dirt that Oklahoma has to offer and it is all over our semi-new carpet! FREAK OUT TIME!!! Ben was with 2 students at breakfast so I was left to deal with the poop, pee, mud, and a whiny dog! After getting her cleaned, diapered and clothed again, I threw her dirty ones in the wash and went for the carpet. I think I got it out but will be borrowing a friends steam cleaner tonight!

After this, it was time for her to eat...big surprise that she had to sneeze with a mouth full of cereal! After cleaning myself up, I went to put her leftovers in the fridge, which of couse fell, broke and splattered all over the floor. When Ben called to let me know he was on his way home, I wanted to be mad at him for leaving me with the mess. When he walked in and I started my story, I could tell he was holding back his laughter...I was glad because we were both able to laugh:)

I am so thankful she is generally a good napper...going on hour4 now! Still no baby for us, but more hopeful than ever:)

cardboard testimony

If you have not seen this, it is very moving and emotional. I saw it on Kelly's Korner blog and showed it to Ben. We both sat here with tears streaming down our face. This is what a relationship with God is about!!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvDDc5RB6FQ

staying busy

This weekend, we will be having hopefully, around 75 students for our HD Weekend! We are super excited to see what God will do during these few days! In the meantime, we are so busy trying to get ready...there are decorations that have to be put up, lights placed just right, gift baskets purchased and put together, etc...needless to say, we have been busy! But it has been fun...we are really looking forward to the weekend with these awesome students!

My most recent doc. appt. was an ok one...she was very encouraging about the upcoming surgery, telling a story, of course, of a successful one. I am trying not to get my hopes up about it, but am trusting God that it will fix our "issues". If not, she said that there is a hospital in the city that she would recommend for fertility treatments. Apparently, they have an insurance policy and if you do not get pregnant after 3 IVF's (which could be over $30,000) they will give you your money back! I am not super pumped at the price or the thought that we might have to have the money returned, but at least we could take that and put it towards adoption, if it all comes down to that.

Ben and I talked today though, and I have decided to, at least for now, trust that we will be pregnant by the time we go to Falls Creek! That is in late June and gives us plenty of time:) Of course, if we were preg. at that time, a week at Falls Creek may be brutal! I will take puking and not eating at Falls Creek (even if it is the best food on the planet) over not carrying our child!

That's all for now...have a great day:)

Crazy Love

Ben has been reading this book, "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan for a little while now. I have not had much motivation to read it before now. We had a long talk this weekend about where we are in our spiritual walks. I shared that I feel like I have been left to walk a lonely path recently. Since starting the book, he has been super excited to start ministering in our neighborhood, the area around our church, and really just everywhere. I have felt like he has kind of left me in the dust as I have not been feeling this way at all. I am in a rut. I cried. He prayed for us, and I decided to start reading "Crazy Love". All I can say it that, in the past 2 days, I have fallen more in love with Jesus than I think I have ever been! I have heard it a million times before but I just read "He has chosen to love you!" Isn't that insane??? The creator of all things cares enough to choose to love and seek after broken, selfish, unloveable me! I would recommend this book to anyone and everyone!!!

I have been so frustrated and angry with God since we started TTC. I ask why all the time...why her and not me? Why does my body not work? Is there a lesson I am missing in all of this? I think I have blamed God and therefore decided I do not need His help. We have prayed and prayed for a miracle, for God to allow us to be pg before Ben's surgery. But I think I have come to realize that Ben has been praying and BELIEVING! and I have just simply said the words "God do a miracle and I'll give you the glory" without truly thinking He would.

Well, my attitude is changing. I am realizing more and more that, at least for me, how could I expect Him to bless me with anything when I have done nothing to seek Him? I don't want to seek Him so He will give us a baby. I know that being madly in love with Him, I will still hurt each month if we are not pg, and that's ok. BUT, I want His love to so consume me that even through the tears, I can praise Him!

God, I pray that you would give me a passion for you! Give me a passion to fall more deeply in love with you!

Here comes the storm!!!

So living in the south typically provides little excitement as far as winter weather goes. The spring is full of tornadoes, hail, heavy downpours, etc. but the winter has always been kinda lame...until now! We missed the big snow/ice storm over Christmas, but we are ready to hunker down for the one coming on Thursday! We will hit the grocery store this afternoon and I will stay home tomorrow morning to make sure the house and laundry is clean before we potentially lose power. Who wants to stay in a dirty, stinky (only stinky because of a teenage boy) house for days???

Ben is super excited about the storm. He makes me laugh as he switches from one station to the next, trying to determine which meteorologist will be correct:) He is too cute!!!

Daniel's mom has decided to take him to his aunts house tomorrow, which means it will be me and the hubs, alone, braving this wonderful storm together:) So glad we bought logs for the fireplace!!!

There is a downside to the storm that will force us to stay in our pj's for days, snuggled under blankets on the couch, watching our DVR recordings...my niece has her 1 year birthday party in Texas on Saturday. 2 of my senior girls were going to stay the night Friday, get up early Sat, drive to the party, the drive home that afternoon. Of course the drive home was going to be full...a stop at Sam Moon, shopping at the outlet mall in Gainesville, and of course TACO CASA!!! It looks like I will miss my niece's party and the fun that would accompany:(

We have a busy month ahead though, so maybe God knows we need this weekend just to ourselves! We have a D-NOW the first weekend in Feb...we are hoping for 100 students! We have plans to eat out with friends at the Melting Pot the following Friday (for V-Day)! The next Wed., Ben will be going to a conference in Grapevine, TX...I'm totally stressing about this! We have never spent the night apart...yes, we have been to camps and slept on different sides of a cabin, but never in a different location! I think I will go stay with my parent while he is at the conference...I'm hoping he can at least ride back with me on Friday:) Of course after this, we have the dreaded surgery to face. As I was driving yesterday, I was listening to the song "Inside Out" and started to cry.
The words say "Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades. Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame, and the cry of my heart is to bring You praise, from the inside out, Lord my soul cries out"...This song is so true, but one I often forget. No matter what happens with the baby situation, I want to bring God praise! He has His reasons for what we are going through, and while I don't understand, He only has our best interest at heart!!!

God bless you today!

chick-fil-a sadness

Usually Chick-fil-a is a place filled with yummy chicken, sweet and spicy sauces, and big smiles on our faces. Today, however, it was just filled with sadness, at least for me.

As we sat at our normal high top table, (Lillian, the baby I babysit, next to me), I looked out the window, only to see this cute pregnant lady walking into the restaurant. Now if I had seen this during the two week wait, I would have thought, "Oh, I wonder where she go that cute top?" or "My belly may be that round in a few months!". Instead, I cried. Ben said I should write about my feelings. I feel silly writing this because if there is an other infertile reading this, you have probably done the same thing. I feel repetitive. Month after month, I cry, I get angry, I get sad, I feel jealous, and then I move on for a while.

I think today was especially difficult because just since Monday, I have had 6, yes 6! people announce their pregnancy. These are not strangers, but people I know and am truly happy for! I always feel like just a jerk being so upset and crying when I find these things out, but for those who know me, you know that they are both tears of joy for you and also tears of longing for me.

I hope today's experience does not cause me to avoid Chick-fil-a, as I really do love their food! Here's wishing all you soon-to-be-mommies a super easy, healthy pregnance with the most awesome bundle of joy in 8 or 9 months!!! And to the infertiles, don't give up! Easier said than done, I know.

Things I am either too unsophisticated or not quite "cool" enough for...

I have discovered a few things about myself this past weekend! I am so NOT a sophisticated lady...this makes me a tad bummed, but is also pretty humorous how this new found knowledge came about.
It all started last weekend when Daniel moved in with us. After only one night of 2 boys in my house, I needed to do something girly. So, on Saturday, I went to get my nails done! I walked in (as I had many times in the past) and said, "I need a manicure". After a moment, they took me to a seat and began to soak my nails in warm, soapy water. Now for you ladies who are sophisticated, you know that I should have walked in and said "I need a full set." I will attribute my ignorance to being very distracted by our new housemate. After a few moments, I told the girl how much I liked her nails (which were tippped) and that I wanted mine to look like hers. I was hoping this would prompt her to say "Oh, you want tips?", but it did not. We get to the part where she oils my nails and I go to wash. I sit back down and ask, "So do you just use the gel on my real nail instead of using tips?" She looked at me very puzzled, and it was downhill from there. I was almost in tears, feeling so stupid!
Well, I got my tips! So I'm feeling ok at this point...still a little dumb, but much more self confident! I make it all the way to Monday before my thumb nail popped right off! I was walking the dog with a friend and Barker, our usually sweet dachshund/jack russell mix, was a living terror. As I was pushing the button to lock his leash, my nail got caught and I watched it fly off my finger, through the air, and land on the red mud stained street. UTTER FRUSTRATION! I decided that I would quickly get it fixed and move on with life.
Then yesterday rolls around...the weekend had been horrible, with me and Ben both feeling the pressures of having a third body in our house to care for (other than Barker). Getting ready for church was a nightmare! Nothing would fit me, I felt like I looked hideous in every outfit I put on, and I was exhausted. I finally found a pair of pants that I could pin, that didn't look half bad. When I was finishing up, I hear Ben start gagging. Daniel comes into our room holding Barker and I, not so kindly, said "put him away, we are so late!" He goes on to tell me that Barker had pooped in his kennel. GREAT!!! So after Ben and Daniel left for church, I was left to clean up the mess. It was during this that yet another nail popped off. So picture this:me in my Sunday best, on my knees covered in poop, nailless, and in tears on the kitchen floor.
My conclusion: I am DEFINITELY NOT sophisticated enough for nails! If I were, I'd have a dog walker, a dog cleaner-upper, and someone to pick out my clothes!
More on this subject later...I'm sure I have bored you enough for now;)