Someone asked me at church yesterday how I was and where we were as far as trying again. I told her that we will have our trigger shot this week (tomorrow to be exact! This will be ben's first attempt to stick me with a needle!) and our IUI shortly thereafter (on Thursday!!!) She was shocked that we are already to this point...she said "it seems like just yesterday I got your text saying this month didn't work out". It may have been yesterday for her, but it feels like years ago to me. Fortunately, I am staying super busy getting ready for our Disciple Now weekend with our students starting Friday! We have over 70 signed up, and no doubt more will sign up at the door! We are planning, preparing, and PRAYING for God to do something outrageous in the students lives over the weekend!
All of this comes only after the SNOW!!!!! For those of you who hate the cold, snow, ice, being stuck indoors, I am sorry...for those of you who LOVE IT, LET'S CELEBRATE!!!!! I truly cannot wait to be in my pj's all day (after a shower of course), cuddled on the couch with Ben and Barker, watching our DVR, and drinking hot chocolate. Life just does not get any sweeter:)
HAPPY SNOW DAYS!!!!!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Hoping for direction
Thank you ladies about the HSG info! We have not decided yet if we will do it or not...after calling the doctor and hospital, it looks like it will cost nearly $2000!!! We were not necessarily prepared for that, and feel maybe like we should hold off on that, especially if IVF is down the road. We have an appointment with the doctor today, full of questions (what else is new! lol) I am hoping he can give us some direction. If not, I think Ben and I have decided to try 2 more IUI's with the trigger shot. Our first 2 at least, we do not feel were timed right. If we can get pregnant this way, I know our bank account would be happy.
I am really struggling with the cost of IVF...I have absolutely NO DOUBT it would be worth it if we got pregnant the first time. It is hard to imagine paying so much just to see another negative pregnancy test. I am not trying to be debbie-downer, and I apologize for my negativity. We spent the last 24 hours really seeking God for answers. There is no question that our hope and future are in Him and Him alone. I am so thankful He has given us such an amazing doctor to fill in all of those blanks. I really thought we would go home last night with a clear decision. We do not have that, but we both feel that going forward with 2 IUI's is what makes us the most comfortable. Wouldn't life be so great if God would just hit us over the head or allow us to run into a huge billboard full of life's questions!?!
Anyways, I told a sweet friend yesterday that, truly, I want people to see Jesus in me through all of this. I will no doubt have my bad days, and will struggle with the why's of it all. But I am dedicated to moving past those thoughts. I want so badly to bless others, especially now. We are not rich by ANY means. Not everything we can do for others is financial, but I am so excited to seek those opportunities for God to allow us to love and bless someone else. It completely takes the focus off of me and my whiny self:)
I will update tomorrow with hopefully our plan of action! I am praying for each of you who read this that God's unfailing love, mercy, and peace that passes all understanding will surround you this very moment!!!
I am really struggling with the cost of IVF...I have absolutely NO DOUBT it would be worth it if we got pregnant the first time. It is hard to imagine paying so much just to see another negative pregnancy test. I am not trying to be debbie-downer, and I apologize for my negativity. We spent the last 24 hours really seeking God for answers. There is no question that our hope and future are in Him and Him alone. I am so thankful He has given us such an amazing doctor to fill in all of those blanks. I really thought we would go home last night with a clear decision. We do not have that, but we both feel that going forward with 2 IUI's is what makes us the most comfortable. Wouldn't life be so great if God would just hit us over the head or allow us to run into a huge billboard full of life's questions!?!
Anyways, I told a sweet friend yesterday that, truly, I want people to see Jesus in me through all of this. I will no doubt have my bad days, and will struggle with the why's of it all. But I am dedicated to moving past those thoughts. I want so badly to bless others, especially now. We are not rich by ANY means. Not everything we can do for others is financial, but I am so excited to seek those opportunities for God to allow us to love and bless someone else. It completely takes the focus off of me and my whiny self:)
I will update tomorrow with hopefully our plan of action! I am praying for each of you who read this that God's unfailing love, mercy, and peace that passes all understanding will surround you this very moment!!!
Monday, January 24, 2011
HSG
Hey friends,
I am curious if any of you have had the HSG procedure done...if so, can you tell me about it? I want nitty gritty details so I am at least somewhat prepared. Also, my doctor said there could be an additional fee for a radiologist to read the results...did that cost a ton extra on top of the procedure?
Just trying to do my homework:)
Thanks for any help you can offer!!!
I am curious if any of you have had the HSG procedure done...if so, can you tell me about it? I want nitty gritty details so I am at least somewhat prepared. Also, my doctor said there could be an additional fee for a radiologist to read the results...did that cost a ton extra on top of the procedure?
Just trying to do my homework:)
Thanks for any help you can offer!!!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
one line
One line. That's all there was...no matter how long we stared and willed there to be 2 lines, there was only one. We weren't supposed to test until Friday, but I did my research and knew that the hcg from the trigger shot was out of my system and that, on that snowed in Thursday, we would have an answer. I was surprisingly ok on Thursday. I was hopeful because we had a plan. We would do the dye in my tubes to make sure they were open, another trigger shot, and a 5th IUI. That was the plan.
Friday morning, I woke up around 5am to intense cramps. I knew what was coming. I got up, went to the bathroom to confirm, then went to the couch to cry. I called the doctor around 9 to see what we should do. I'm surprised he made out anything I said through my sobs. He told us to take a month off. Ben likes this idea but I hate it! What am I supposed to do for a month? Relax? Pretend like I'm not this empty vessel whose body continually fails? Go on with life as normal? Normal to me is going to the doctor every 2 weeks or more, have things poked and prodded, filling prescriptions, getting shots...that's normal.
Now we are at a crossroads. We had a plan. Now we are questioning our plan. We have signed up to take an IVF class on Feb. 8th. I never thought it would come down to the last resort (if we want to have our own biological baby). We talked about that, embryo adoption, and regular adoption. I don't know if we can afford any of it. I know they have payment plans, but we aren't exactly rolling in the dough. We bought a new car almost 2 years ago, thinking we were buying it for our expanding family. Along with that debt, we are still paying my stinkin' student loans, and of course a house payment.
Nothing is a sure thing. We could spend $15,000 on IVF only for it to not work. We could spend $15,000 on adoption only to not be placed. I once again feel completely hopeless. I have asked God all weekend why me? What have I done that is so horrible? I know those are stupid questions. I know His best is by far greater than anything I can imagine. I don't want to be mad at Him, but I feel like He has forgotten about us.
Friday morning, I woke up around 5am to intense cramps. I knew what was coming. I got up, went to the bathroom to confirm, then went to the couch to cry. I called the doctor around 9 to see what we should do. I'm surprised he made out anything I said through my sobs. He told us to take a month off. Ben likes this idea but I hate it! What am I supposed to do for a month? Relax? Pretend like I'm not this empty vessel whose body continually fails? Go on with life as normal? Normal to me is going to the doctor every 2 weeks or more, have things poked and prodded, filling prescriptions, getting shots...that's normal.
Now we are at a crossroads. We had a plan. Now we are questioning our plan. We have signed up to take an IVF class on Feb. 8th. I never thought it would come down to the last resort (if we want to have our own biological baby). We talked about that, embryo adoption, and regular adoption. I don't know if we can afford any of it. I know they have payment plans, but we aren't exactly rolling in the dough. We bought a new car almost 2 years ago, thinking we were buying it for our expanding family. Along with that debt, we are still paying my stinkin' student loans, and of course a house payment.
Nothing is a sure thing. We could spend $15,000 on IVF only for it to not work. We could spend $15,000 on adoption only to not be placed. I once again feel completely hopeless. I have asked God all weekend why me? What have I done that is so horrible? I know those are stupid questions. I know His best is by far greater than anything I can imagine. I don't want to be mad at Him, but I feel like He has forgotten about us.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
The never ending 2 year, I mean 2 week wait
Well, I am one day away from week 1 of our lovely 2 week wait...
This time has not seemed so terrible-maybe it's because I won't let myself get attached to the idea that I might be pregnant. We have asked for prayer from lots of people. I am so thankful to have loving people in our lives that will stand in the gap for us when we are simply too weak. Bens parents said they fasted for us-I ws blown away by this. Their hope and ours is notin our doctor-whom we love dearly-but in the only One who knows everything!
In just over a week we will know if we are headed down the road to parenthood! Until then, I am trying to be simply cautiously optimistic!
This time has not seemed so terrible-maybe it's because I won't let myself get attached to the idea that I might be pregnant. We have asked for prayer from lots of people. I am so thankful to have loving people in our lives that will stand in the gap for us when we are simply too weak. Bens parents said they fasted for us-I ws blown away by this. Their hope and ours is notin our doctor-whom we love dearly-but in the only One who knows everything!
In just over a week we will know if we are headed down the road to parenthood! Until then, I am trying to be simply cautiously optimistic!
Monday, January 10, 2011
IUI #4
IUI #4...check! We stared last week with a mid-cycle ultrasound...things looked good, but not good enough to give me the trigger shot in the office. Um, excuse me! You expect me to stick myself??? I don't think so!!! If you read my post yesterday, you know how much I hate, yes HATE, rollercoasters. Well, my hatred for those fast moving, make you wanna throw-up death traps are nothing compared to my fear of needles! And now I have to give myself a shot!
Thankfully, we have quite a few nurses at our church, so after the horrible Wednesday night we had, I went to my friends house, sat in Ben's lap (this ensured proper fat roll accommodations for the needle to enter:)), and squeezed his hand so tightly he actually said "ouch"....oops...praise the Lord, the anticipation of the pain I just knew I would feel was way worse than the needle...I barely felt it! This is so encouraging to me, especially if we have to do it again. Friday morning came and it was time for the IUI. The doc said things could not have been more perfect-I have heard that before. My temp was just right, I had not ovulated yet (which is good) and all of Ben's guys were doing their job to a T!!!
I spent the rest of the afternoon laying around and Ben took such great care of me...he truly is amazing! Now we wait, AGAIN! Because of the trigger shot, I cannot test early...I am bummed, but it's probably for the best. A friend told me yesterday to drink pineapple juice to help with implantation, so of course, we promptly headed to the store to buy the biggest jug of pineapple juice available:)
I don't know what is going to happen this month, only God knows, but through all of this, God is drawing me closer to Him in a way I have never been before. I still struggle, I still get mad at Him, but I love Him more deeply than ever. He has already given me so much-a supportive and amazing husband, family and friends who care...I am blessed more than I deserve and I know a baby would just solidify that fact even more!
Well I am headed home to help Ben write the curriculum for our D-Now weekend...I am hoping I can share some of his book on here. I think your husbands (and you also) would find it both hilarious but so true to the pain that some of you are feeling. I pray each of you has a wonderful Monday...I off to drive in the snow!!!
Thankfully, we have quite a few nurses at our church, so after the horrible Wednesday night we had, I went to my friends house, sat in Ben's lap (this ensured proper fat roll accommodations for the needle to enter:)), and squeezed his hand so tightly he actually said "ouch"....oops...praise the Lord, the anticipation of the pain I just knew I would feel was way worse than the needle...I barely felt it! This is so encouraging to me, especially if we have to do it again. Friday morning came and it was time for the IUI. The doc said things could not have been more perfect-I have heard that before. My temp was just right, I had not ovulated yet (which is good) and all of Ben's guys were doing their job to a T!!!
I spent the rest of the afternoon laying around and Ben took such great care of me...he truly is amazing! Now we wait, AGAIN! Because of the trigger shot, I cannot test early...I am bummed, but it's probably for the best. A friend told me yesterday to drink pineapple juice to help with implantation, so of course, we promptly headed to the store to buy the biggest jug of pineapple juice available:)
I don't know what is going to happen this month, only God knows, but through all of this, God is drawing me closer to Him in a way I have never been before. I still struggle, I still get mad at Him, but I love Him more deeply than ever. He has already given me so much-a supportive and amazing husband, family and friends who care...I am blessed more than I deserve and I know a baby would just solidify that fact even more!
Well I am headed home to help Ben write the curriculum for our D-Now weekend...I am hoping I can share some of his book on here. I think your husbands (and you also) would find it both hilarious but so true to the pain that some of you are feeling. I pray each of you has a wonderful Monday...I off to drive in the snow!!!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
on a rollercoaster and want to get off!
It is absolutely no secret how much I dislike rollercoasters! My husband, as wonderful as he is, planned HIS perfect honeymoon-LA to see the Price is Right (Bob was still on which was really fun!), a myriad of other adventures, including Magic Mountain! I played the dutiful new wife, and gave every ride a try...I was never more thankful than when that day ended...until now. We are on a rollercoaster and cannot get off! Emotions, side effects, questions, etc...
I finally called my sister in law to congratulate her on the new little one on its way. I had to leave a message, which was probably better as I may have broken down and cried. I felt like I was overcoming those feelings of jealousy, anger at my body, and frustration. When I got back to church (this was a Wednesday) to help Ben finish up for youth, I found out through the next 2 hours of 3 pregnancies here at church. WHAT???? One by one the announcements came, and one by one the tears started to flow. My best friend, Kristi, is in the choir, and was at practice. She told me of one of them. She offered to get me out of here, which I almost took her up on, but didn't. I told Ben right before he had to go speak-shouldn't have done that, but you would never know his true feelings when hearing him talk about the love of God. I was not feeling God's love right then. All I felt were the hot tears now streaming down my face. I became the girl who hides in the bathroom stall and cries her eyes out. Thankfully, when church was over, no one asked what was wrong. We left quickly, only to head to a friends house so she could give me my trigger shot (not as bad as I thought!). I spent the rest of the night and next day feeling sorry for myself. I still struggle with jealousy (i have seen 2 of the 3 pregnant girls already) and am fighting back tears. I am praying for no worship that talks about God's faithfulness, or in His time this morning. I'll update about our IUI and Ben's book (yes he is writing a book!) tomorrow!
Happy Sunday:)
I finally called my sister in law to congratulate her on the new little one on its way. I had to leave a message, which was probably better as I may have broken down and cried. I felt like I was overcoming those feelings of jealousy, anger at my body, and frustration. When I got back to church (this was a Wednesday) to help Ben finish up for youth, I found out through the next 2 hours of 3 pregnancies here at church. WHAT???? One by one the announcements came, and one by one the tears started to flow. My best friend, Kristi, is in the choir, and was at practice. She told me of one of them. She offered to get me out of here, which I almost took her up on, but didn't. I told Ben right before he had to go speak-shouldn't have done that, but you would never know his true feelings when hearing him talk about the love of God. I was not feeling God's love right then. All I felt were the hot tears now streaming down my face. I became the girl who hides in the bathroom stall and cries her eyes out. Thankfully, when church was over, no one asked what was wrong. We left quickly, only to head to a friends house so she could give me my trigger shot (not as bad as I thought!). I spent the rest of the night and next day feeling sorry for myself. I still struggle with jealousy (i have seen 2 of the 3 pregnant girls already) and am fighting back tears. I am praying for no worship that talks about God's faithfulness, or in His time this morning. I'll update about our IUI and Ben's book (yes he is writing a book!) tomorrow!
Happy Sunday:)
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