SO TIRED!!!!!

Well, it is 4:18am and I am awake...not only am I awake, but I will be awake for approx. 21 more hours (and I have been up since 10:30 this morning!) I'm not complaining...I am with my husband, some best friends, and our awesome students! When Ben was a youth, his youth pastor had a 24 hour new year's party...we now do this with our students (but not every year). I am hoping and praying to be home and in bed by 1 am Sat. morn!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Mine was, well, trying...I was so hopeful that we would be sharing exciting news with our families. That definitely did NOT happen. On Christmas eve, I had a lot of bleeding. I called Ben in and cried...not just tears, but those gut wrenching sobs that you just can't control. I was certain that I had been pregnant and was now miscarrying. I was not due for my cycle to start for nearly a week, and this did not seem like my normal cycle. I did a lot of research on miscarriage versus implantation bleeding. I had myself convinced that maybe it really was implantation bleeding, but as the days went on, it was obvious it was something else. We called and made an appt. with the doc. No miscarriage-mixed emotions about this...if it was a miscarriage, that means something in my body actually worked! Since it wasn't, it simply means my body failed me again. We are taking more aggressive measures with this next IUI (which will be this coming Thursday, so for all you prayer warriors, I would appreciate those prayers!!!) I'm scared to get my hopes up again. I'm scared to try again, but know I would regret it if we did not try.

On top of all of this, my brother called yesterday with big news...he and my sister in law are pregnant again! I'm excited to be an aunt again, but so heartbroken. He said they were on birth control...OUCH! Now I feel like my family is avoiding me, like I'm this fragile little being that might completely shatter if anyone even calls. Maybe it's just my stupid emotions and hormones making me feel like this, but I would have at least appreciated someone calling to see if I'm ok...I don't want to always hide, but this makes me feel like that's what I'm supposed to do. Do they expect me to call and act like nothing is wrong? That my heart is not hurting?

Anyways, I hope this message even makes sense. I'm so tired and probably shouldn't be writing, but the students are playing a game now, so it's quiet...FOR NOW:)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!