I don't know what the future holds, but know someone who does!

So, it's only Tuesday...we had yesterday off of work, and still, this has already proven to be one of the most awful weeks to date! The weekend was awesome! We were super pumped because we spent the weekend at the Youth Ministry Forum-every year, the Bapt. General Convention puts on a Forum for youth pastors and their wives. We worship, attend break out sessions, and just get reminded how much God loves us and go home thanking Him for allowing us to be a part of students lives!

Our best friends were there so that was extra special-Daniel and Cheryl, WE LOVE YOU!!! Things started out rocky when it seemed like every wife, other than me, was either pregnant or carrying her "fresh from the hospital" baby. Don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful they are welcomed to bring these beautiful little things, but there were a few times I was wishing they didn't. I fought back tears for a while, and then during the first worship session, I looked over to see a mom in front of me holding her new baby and singing these worship songs to him. I completely fell apart. There is nothing sweeter or more heart-breaking at the same time. I made it through the rest of the weekend ok, knowing that there was still a chance that this second IUI worked. Right after the IUI, I had trouble sleeping. This happens a lot just before I start...I was worried, but knew that the IUI had not had time to really work. The longer I went without sleep, the more exhausted (which always makes me cry) I got and began losing hope.

Put all of that in the back of your mind as I move on for a second. Before going away for the weekend, Ben and I spotted a mouse in our house-EEEEEEEWWWWW!!!!!! People kept saying that it's normal this time of year, especially since we live close to some fields. We bought a no-kill trap, only after my emotional melt down in Wal-Mart because I did not think these mice should have to die! When we got home from the conference, the strategically placed, peanut butter covered trap worked-3 mice!!! Ben let them go and we felt confident until.....Sunday night watching TV, I heard something in the kitchen. We paused the tv and there were 2 little mice peeking out from the top and bottom of our stove-EEEEEWWW!!!!!!!!!! I quickly went to wal-mart again, this time with a different attitude...THEY MUST DIE!! We have not caught any more but have 17 traps set out while we are gone for Thanksgiving!

This brings us to yesterday. I was awake most of the night, and at 5am took a test. Big surprise-it was negative. I spent the next several minutes crying in the bathroom so as not to wake Ben up. I finally got back into bed, turned the tv on and cried into the comforter. All hope was lost. All of the thoughts of how we would tell our families over Thanksgiving went away. I was an empty, broken, angry, and hopeless being. After I told Ben, we cried together for a bit, then went to lunch. When we came back, we decided to be proactive on the mouse front, and spent the next 3 hours cleaning and re-packing the garage. Ben went inside for something and yelled from the laundry room. It seems a hose was loose, and there was water EVERYWHERE! Part of our wood floor is ruined and, if we cannot dry it out, the carpet in the back bedroom. I lost it. I yelled until I couldn't anymore. It was too much. My sister in law called and I broke into sobs. I took a walk and came back and yelled some more. Then my brother called and I fell apart again. Ben just held me and let me cry.

For whatever reason, I was so very hopeful this month. I did everything right. I stopped drinking caffeine, I didn't work out so as not to raise my body temp., I didn't lift anything heavy, I ate right, but yet my body failed me. Words cannot explain the hurt I feel. Why can't we get pregnant? What if it still doesn't work with the next IUI? We can't afford the other options.

Ben has been so great and continues to be. I am so dedicated to not letting Satan have any victory in this-at least not any more than I gave him yesterday! God is still in control!!!
(sorry for the novel if you make it this far:))

ramblings

So I only have a few minutes before I need to head over and help the hubby get ready for youth tonight, but wanted to share a few things...
-I have been reading this FANTASTIC book (at least in my opinion) that I got from the doctor's office on Sunday...it's called "Every Drunken Cheerleader...Why Not Me?" It is hilarious and heart-breaking...it really just solidifies the fact that I am not alone in this crazy infertile world! This book is great if you are struggling with the big "I" as she calls it (infertility), or if you have a friend who might be going through it. It explains all about the crazy hormone induced rages she went through, how difficult it was to be a friend when you need a friend, the never ending (or so it seems) onslaught of baby shower invites or announcements that make you weep when you think about them...but it also puts it all into perspective. I could choose to wallow in self pity and never leave home, or I can live my wonderful life that God has given me, strive to be the best wife and friend possible, and know that God will never give me anything I cannot handle! This is not to say that I won't have or feel entitled to my moments of what I assume agony feels like. I will still cry in less than a week if the pregnancy test is negative. I will still only want my husband to cry on for the day, but will secretly hope friends will text, because who wants to go through this without that support?! But I know that if the test is negative, we will try again!

Onto the second reason for this post...I was able to go home for a few minutes between working at church and the students arriving, so me and Barker (my cute and oh so cuddly dog) decided to watch The Doctors...this episode dealt with drug addiction. They had teens girls on who were addicts and one had had 2 miscarriages. They then showed a center for babies that came from moms with drug addictions. I sobbed for probably 20 minutes...it was the most awful thing I have ever seen...how can people do that to an unborn child? Why would you ever think that was ok??? I cannot with words explain how badly I want a child, and to see that makes me sick!!!!

That is all for now...hope everyone has a great rest of their Wednesday!

week in a nut shell

This week has been exhausting, wonderful, stressful, joy-filled, long, but awesome!!! I think we worked close to 70 hours this week, but it was all worth it! We had our ENCOUNTER meetings Wed-Fri. night with Afshin Ziafat. If you have never heard him or heard of him, you are missing out (I'm sure there are things on youtube). He is an evangelist with an amazing story...basically, he grew up Muslim, became a believer, his family disowned him then took him back, he told his dad he was going to go into the ministry, his dad disowned him again, relationships have been restored, and he now preaches about the goodness of our Father all over! We saw many saved this week which was so exciting!!!

That has pretty much been our week...the distraction has been good, although I find myself checking my calendar, counting days, trying to figure out when we might go back for round 2 at the good 'ol doc's office:) I'm scared and excited, nervous and hopeful, anxious and terrified...I'm pretty much a big bag of emotions! But hey, I'm a girl, so I'm aloud to be!!! :)

I hope everyone has a great Sunday, and enjoyed that extra hour this morning!!!
"He loves us, oh how He loves us!"

good report

The doctor's appointment yesterday went about how we expected...I was so thankful Ben could be there with me! No cysts-PTL!! We started the meds today, then in a few weeks we will go back for iui #2...I think the best part about the procedure (other than the fact that I could finally get pregnant) is that I am ordered to lay around the rest of the day and take it easy:) I can handle that!!!

Ben and I talked more on a walk with our child (furry, four legs, and cute as can be), and discussed more what IVF versus adoption would look like. We didn't come to any conclusions. It is hard to just live in the now, and not think about the what-ifs. I wish I could be a positive polly and not a negative nelly, but thanks to my wonderful mom (and she truly is), I think I have inherited a forever glass half empty gene:( It all balances out though...Ben always sees the positive in every situation it seems! It just reinforces the fact that God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought us together!!!

Well, we are off to vote! Happy Tuesday:)

no time!!!

I truly don't have time to post, but feel like things are moving so fast and if I don't write about them, I will forget!

First of all, let me just say again what a blessing it is for my husband to be on staff at the church we are at! Our pastor and his wife are some of the most amazing people I have ever encountered...we have never felt as loved as we do here! Our staff as a whole are just incredible! Everyone has their ups and downs, but at the end of the day, I think everyone can truly say how well we work together and just love each other.

Next, WE OPENED OUR NEW YOUTH BUILDING!!!! Last week was so difficult, as we were not ever home except to sleep and shower...not to mention that because I am a girl, I apparently have certain hormones that decide to keep me awake all night! By the time Wednesday rolled around, I was a big mess. Ben and I were so distant-he was doing his thing and I was doing mine...when worship started that evening, I started crying. I didn't cry out of sadness, but just thankfulness that God's presence was so real! After worship and Ben speaking, we moved into the youth building for a short time of worship...here come the tears again! It was amazing to see 10 years of planning on Ben's part, and God's faithfulness come together!!! We had our first official Sunday morning in there yesterday and I think the students loved it:)

Finally, we are still on this what seems like a never-ending journey with infertility. We did have our first IUI on October 16th...it was unsuccessful (which is probably why the water works were flowing last week-ha!) We are scheduled for an ultrasound today to make sure I do not have any new cysts growing...if all goes well, I will start round 2 of Femara, track my temp. and other fun things, then IUI #2...I am not sure what my emotions will be like if this one does not work. After failure #1, at least we have 2 more to try...now, if this one fails, we are down to one chance. Ben and I briefly talked this morning about IVF versus adoption...both are incredible expensive, and potentially heart breaking...as always, I know God is in control. He will never give us more than we can bear!!!