SO TIRED!!!!!

Well, it is 4:18am and I am awake...not only am I awake, but I will be awake for approx. 21 more hours (and I have been up since 10:30 this morning!) I'm not complaining...I am with my husband, some best friends, and our awesome students! When Ben was a youth, his youth pastor had a 24 hour new year's party...we now do this with our students (but not every year). I am hoping and praying to be home and in bed by 1 am Sat. morn!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Mine was, well, trying...I was so hopeful that we would be sharing exciting news with our families. That definitely did NOT happen. On Christmas eve, I had a lot of bleeding. I called Ben in and cried...not just tears, but those gut wrenching sobs that you just can't control. I was certain that I had been pregnant and was now miscarrying. I was not due for my cycle to start for nearly a week, and this did not seem like my normal cycle. I did a lot of research on miscarriage versus implantation bleeding. I had myself convinced that maybe it really was implantation bleeding, but as the days went on, it was obvious it was something else. We called and made an appt. with the doc. No miscarriage-mixed emotions about this...if it was a miscarriage, that means something in my body actually worked! Since it wasn't, it simply means my body failed me again. We are taking more aggressive measures with this next IUI (which will be this coming Thursday, so for all you prayer warriors, I would appreciate those prayers!!!) I'm scared to get my hopes up again. I'm scared to try again, but know I would regret it if we did not try.

On top of all of this, my brother called yesterday with big news...he and my sister in law are pregnant again! I'm excited to be an aunt again, but so heartbroken. He said they were on birth control...OUCH! Now I feel like my family is avoiding me, like I'm this fragile little being that might completely shatter if anyone even calls. Maybe it's just my stupid emotions and hormones making me feel like this, but I would have at least appreciated someone calling to see if I'm ok...I don't want to always hide, but this makes me feel like that's what I'm supposed to do. Do they expect me to call and act like nothing is wrong? That my heart is not hurting?

Anyways, I hope this message even makes sense. I'm so tired and probably shouldn't be writing, but the students are playing a game now, so it's quiet...FOR NOW:)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Christmas Christmas time is here!!!

Merry Christmas Eve eve!!! I so love this time of year. I love the fact that our families live close enough to each other that we get to see both on Christmas day (but far enough that Ben and I get to spend a few hours together-JUST US!!!) We got to Texas on Tuesday evening and didn't do much except watch a movie that I had given Ben for Christmas. On Wednesday, we ate lunch with my bro, then my sister, dad, and I went to see the Nutcracker! It was super special because he used to take us when we were little girls! I have been asking Ben to take me, so I think he was especially excited that he got out of it-haha! After the show, we picked up Elliot and Chloe (my sweet, sweet niece and nephew) and they spent the night with us! There is nothing sweeter that waking up to those smiling faces and hugs! We took them to the mall, where we met up with my other bro. and nephew, and took the babies for rides on the carousel they have...they had a blast!

Tonight we ate dinner at my aunt Dee's. This has been a tradition around Christmas time for as long as I can remember. She began these dinners as a way to give my mom a break from cooking for a family of 6...it is always so great to be with everyone! I don't know if it was exhaustion, the fact that I had been with my sweet niece and nephew all day, or the 2 negative (but early) pregnancy tests, but just before dessert, the tears were flowing. I felt so embarrassed that I could not pull myself together. My oldest bro finally came over and started making jokes about something I cannot remember, but I was so thankful. I was finally able to compose myself, but not before everyone knew that my eyes were now a puffy mess.

I really thought this time was it! Everything was right according to the doctor. We had it planned how we would tell everyone, and I even thought some symptoms I typically have by now before starting, were not there. My temp still looked good, etc. I'm so empty inside. We told many friends and family before our last IUI and asked for their prayers. Now we have to go back and tell everyone that it was just not God's timing. I see my brothers and sisters-in-law with my nieces and nephews and I want it so badly. I don't think I will ever understand couples who never want children. There is nothing wrong with that AT ALL, I just personally cannot understand.

We will test one more time tomorrow, just to make sure. I really have no hope, but Ben thinks we should just in case. I don't even want to look. I already know that there will be that one single and lonely line staring up at me. Both of our daddies said we would be pregnant by Christmas...I guess it just wasn't this one.

before IUI #3...

Well, we are so close to IUI #3! I'm excited...and anxious...and nervous...and SCARED!!! After our most recent ultrasound, I was pretty bummed...not everything was perfect during our last IUI...I won't go into detail, but some counts were low that should have been much higher. Why was this not told to us at the appointment? Why did we spend nearly $300 for something that had less than our already small chance of working? I was very upset! But for some reason, all of that seems to fade when I start thinking that, if all counts are good, we will be, once again, possibly PREGNANT!

Life has been crazy with church stuff, Christmas stuff, family, planning a ski trip for March with some AWESOME friends...it has been a good distraction, but I often catch myself thinking that come Christmas day, we may be announcing some big news! or wallowing in self-pity...I'm personally hoping for the first option:)

We have made the decision to tell some of our close friends and family exactly when our IUI will be (when we find out). We want all the prayer we can get, without all the questions following. We truly have such an amazing support system at our church-they are family when our families are not here to hug us, hold us, and let us cry. I have especially been so grateful to a friend at church named Jason. I have prayed and prayed for Ben to have at least one close friend to share with, or vent to, or just spend time with. Jason has been that for Ben and I am so very thankful! Jason, you are a Godsend!!!

I'm hoping to have exciting news to put on here soon, but if not, I will still keep trusting that God knows my deepest desires and that, for whatever reason, it is just not our time! Happy Wednesday!

life after iui #2

Well, things have been kinda crummy lately...we got home from Thanksgiving and we think our mouse problem is taken care of-at least for now! That's not so crummy I guess:)
We are still not pregnant...I took 2 tests because I did not start when I thought I should...more hopefulness only to be taken away. We went back to the doctor on Monday. I have to have an ultrasound every time before I start the Femara, just to make sure no cysts have formed since the last time. I was doing fine when we got there, but as soon as he came in and asked how I was, I lost it. The tears started flowing and didn't stop...I was so thankful to have Ben there with me (he didn't think he would be able to get away). The news was about the same...no new cysts, will call to schedule IUI in a few weeks, count was not good last time but it can fluctuate. Now the waiting game, followed by more waiting. I am on the verge of tears every second of every day it seems. I'm sure a lot of it is just hormones and medicine, but I hate it...I'm NOT a crier.

Our fridge stopped working this week...that was another $130...so our month has been:
mouse traps and poison: $25
Femara: $30
1st consultation with fertility doc that we were not billed for but threatened to be sent to collections: $198
2nd IUI w/ ultrasound: $350
3rd IUI w/ ultrasound: $350
the anticipation of hopefully becoming pregnant in just under 2 weeks: PRICELESS!!!
Happy Wednesday:)