My sweet husband pointed out the other day that I apparently have many names for myself, from Starvin' Marvin', to Positive Polly or Negative Nelly, etc. I did, however, decide last week that I was going to be a positive polly! My mom is one of these people and I just love her to pieces:) The week full of conscious positiveness was great! Nothing could bring me down....or so I thought. The weekend arrived with a load of events, laundry, recovering from sickness, and MAJOR MOOD SWINGS! Goodbye positive polly...hello negative nelly!!!
I guess I kind of assumed last week that we were not pregnant. I started waking up all any and all hours of the night, which has, for the past several years, been my way of knowing that AF was just around the corner. Then Friday came, and you would have thought that someone had told me the most enangering news ever! Something snapped. I yelled for no reason, said things I so badly regret to my husband, etc., etc. Saturday was no better. Then I read an article at church on Sunday in the HomeLife magazine. It was about a lady who struggled with infertility and how she was coping. For a few hours, I had some hope. I remembered that AF was not here yet, and I was just positive my ladies were getting super sore (which does not happen to me). I had myself convinced that we were pregnant! The afternoon went on and, thanks to my selfishness, we found ourselves without water.
You see, at Christmas, I asked for new fixtures for our shower, tub, and sinks. The shower proved to be a MAJOR problem, and we became the first to shower in our new youth building at church this morning. Fortunately, it is now fixed ($125 later). After quickly getting ready at church, I rushed home (got pulled over-only a warning to which I broke down thanking the cop through tears), stopping first at CVS to buy a pregnancy test, because I just had to know. One line. One stupid line.
INSERT FREAK OUT HERE! Now I was facing plumbers fees, a 6th IUI (that I don't have much faith in honestly), followed by IVF or adoption. I have started to cry a few times today, but catch myself, and think "This WILL NOT define me or consume me!!!" I know I will be telling myself this time after time over the next few days. Sometimes, I feel like my lungs will collapse. It is so hard to just take a breath right now. How many more times will be heart break before it's un-repairable???
We have many appointments in the next few weeks...we will start the doctors visits for IUI #6, take an IVF class and have a call in to meet with a local adoption agency. I don't think I knew, even 6 months ago, how much I wanted a baby. I know deep down that my relationship with Christ and my amazing husband is enough for me. I have prayed all day for God to give me a desire to in such a relationship with Him, that nothing else matters. I am not there yet...
