So, it's only Tuesday...we had yesterday off of work, and still, this has already proven to be one of the most awful weeks to date! The weekend was awesome! We were super pumped because we spent the weekend at the Youth Ministry Forum-every year, the Bapt. General Convention puts on a Forum for youth pastors and their wives. We worship, attend break out sessions, and just get reminded how much God loves us and go home thanking Him for allowing us to be a part of students lives!
Our best friends were there so that was extra special-Daniel and Cheryl, WE LOVE YOU!!! Things started out rocky when it seemed like every wife, other than me, was either pregnant or carrying her "fresh from the hospital" baby. Don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful they are welcomed to bring these beautiful little things, but there were a few times I was wishing they didn't. I fought back tears for a while, and then during the first worship session, I looked over to see a mom in front of me holding her new baby and singing these worship songs to him. I completely fell apart. There is nothing sweeter or more heart-breaking at the same time. I made it through the rest of the weekend ok, knowing that there was still a chance that this second IUI worked. Right after the IUI, I had trouble sleeping. This happens a lot just before I start...I was worried, but knew that the IUI had not had time to really work. The longer I went without sleep, the more exhausted (which always makes me cry) I got and began losing hope.
Put all of that in the back of your mind as I move on for a second. Before going away for the weekend, Ben and I spotted a mouse in our house-EEEEEEEWWWWW!!!!!! People kept saying that it's normal this time of year, especially since we live close to some fields. We bought a no-kill trap, only after my emotional melt down in Wal-Mart because I did not think these mice should have to die! When we got home from the conference, the strategically placed, peanut butter covered trap worked-3 mice!!! Ben let them go and we felt confident until.....Sunday night watching TV, I heard something in the kitchen. We paused the tv and there were 2 little mice peeking out from the top and bottom of our stove-EEEEEWWW!!!!!!!!!! I quickly went to wal-mart again, this time with a different attitude...THEY MUST DIE!! We have not caught any more but have 17 traps set out while we are gone for Thanksgiving!
This brings us to yesterday. I was awake most of the night, and at 5am took a test. Big surprise-it was negative. I spent the next several minutes crying in the bathroom so as not to wake Ben up. I finally got back into bed, turned the tv on and cried into the comforter. All hope was lost. All of the thoughts of how we would tell our families over Thanksgiving went away. I was an empty, broken, angry, and hopeless being. After I told Ben, we cried together for a bit, then went to lunch. When we came back, we decided to be proactive on the mouse front, and spent the next 3 hours cleaning and re-packing the garage. Ben went inside for something and yelled from the laundry room. It seems a hose was loose, and there was water EVERYWHERE! Part of our wood floor is ruined and, if we cannot dry it out, the carpet in the back bedroom. I lost it. I yelled until I couldn't anymore. It was too much. My sister in law called and I broke into sobs. I took a walk and came back and yelled some more. Then my brother called and I fell apart again. Ben just held me and let me cry.
For whatever reason, I was so very hopeful this month. I did everything right. I stopped drinking caffeine, I didn't work out so as not to raise my body temp., I didn't lift anything heavy, I ate right, but yet my body failed me. Words cannot explain the hurt I feel. Why can't we get pregnant? What if it still doesn't work with the next IUI? We can't afford the other options.
Ben has been so great and continues to be. I am so dedicated to not letting Satan have any victory in this-at least not any more than I gave him yesterday! God is still in control!!!
(sorry for the novel if you make it this far:))
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