If you have not seen this, it is very moving and emotional. I saw it on Kelly's Korner blog and showed it to Ben. We both sat here with tears streaming down our face. This is what a relationship with God is about!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvDDc5RB6FQ
Monday, February 8, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
staying busy
This weekend, we will be having hopefully, around 75 students for our HD Weekend! We are super excited to see what God will do during these few days! In the meantime, we are so busy trying to get ready...there are decorations that have to be put up, lights placed just right, gift baskets purchased and put together, etc...needless to say, we have been busy! But it has been fun...we are really looking forward to the weekend with these awesome students!
My most recent doc. appt. was an ok one...she was very encouraging about the upcoming surgery, telling a story, of course, of a successful one. I am trying not to get my hopes up about it, but am trusting God that it will fix our "issues". If not, she said that there is a hospital in the city that she would recommend for fertility treatments. Apparently, they have an insurance policy and if you do not get pregnant after 3 IVF's (which could be over $30,000) they will give you your money back! I am not super pumped at the price or the thought that we might have to have the money returned, but at least we could take that and put it towards adoption, if it all comes down to that.
Ben and I talked today though, and I have decided to, at least for now, trust that we will be pregnant by the time we go to Falls Creek! That is in late June and gives us plenty of time:) Of course, if we were preg. at that time, a week at Falls Creek may be brutal! I will take puking and not eating at Falls Creek (even if it is the best food on the planet) over not carrying our child!
That's all for now...have a great day:)
My most recent doc. appt. was an ok one...she was very encouraging about the upcoming surgery, telling a story, of course, of a successful one. I am trying not to get my hopes up about it, but am trusting God that it will fix our "issues". If not, she said that there is a hospital in the city that she would recommend for fertility treatments. Apparently, they have an insurance policy and if you do not get pregnant after 3 IVF's (which could be over $30,000) they will give you your money back! I am not super pumped at the price or the thought that we might have to have the money returned, but at least we could take that and put it towards adoption, if it all comes down to that.
Ben and I talked today though, and I have decided to, at least for now, trust that we will be pregnant by the time we go to Falls Creek! That is in late June and gives us plenty of time:) Of course, if we were preg. at that time, a week at Falls Creek may be brutal! I will take puking and not eating at Falls Creek (even if it is the best food on the planet) over not carrying our child!
That's all for now...have a great day:)
Monday, February 1, 2010
Crazy Love
Ben has been reading this book, "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan for a little while now. I have not had much motivation to read it before now. We had a long talk this weekend about where we are in our spiritual walks. I shared that I feel like I have been left to walk a lonely path recently. Since starting the book, he has been super excited to start ministering in our neighborhood, the area around our church, and really just everywhere. I have felt like he has kind of left me in the dust as I have not been feeling this way at all. I am in a rut. I cried. He prayed for us, and I decided to start reading "Crazy Love". All I can say it that, in the past 2 days, I have fallen more in love with Jesus than I think I have ever been! I have heard it a million times before but I just read "He has chosen to love you!" Isn't that insane??? The creator of all things cares enough to choose to love and seek after broken, selfish, unloveable me! I would recommend this book to anyone and everyone!!!
I have been so frustrated and angry with God since we started TTC. I ask why all the time...why her and not me? Why does my body not work? Is there a lesson I am missing in all of this? I think I have blamed God and therefore decided I do not need His help. We have prayed and prayed for a miracle, for God to allow us to be pg before Ben's surgery. But I think I have come to realize that Ben has been praying and BELIEVING! and I have just simply said the words "God do a miracle and I'll give you the glory" without truly thinking He would.
Well, my attitude is changing. I am realizing more and more that, at least for me, how could I expect Him to bless me with anything when I have done nothing to seek Him? I don't want to seek Him so He will give us a baby. I know that being madly in love with Him, I will still hurt each month if we are not pg, and that's ok. BUT, I want His love to so consume me that even through the tears, I can praise Him!
God, I pray that you would give me a passion for you! Give me a passion to fall more deeply in love with you!
I have been so frustrated and angry with God since we started TTC. I ask why all the time...why her and not me? Why does my body not work? Is there a lesson I am missing in all of this? I think I have blamed God and therefore decided I do not need His help. We have prayed and prayed for a miracle, for God to allow us to be pg before Ben's surgery. But I think I have come to realize that Ben has been praying and BELIEVING! and I have just simply said the words "God do a miracle and I'll give you the glory" without truly thinking He would.
Well, my attitude is changing. I am realizing more and more that, at least for me, how could I expect Him to bless me with anything when I have done nothing to seek Him? I don't want to seek Him so He will give us a baby. I know that being madly in love with Him, I will still hurt each month if we are not pg, and that's ok. BUT, I want His love to so consume me that even through the tears, I can praise Him!
God, I pray that you would give me a passion for you! Give me a passion to fall more deeply in love with you!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Here comes the storm!!!
So living in the south typically provides little excitement as far as winter weather goes. The spring is full of tornadoes, hail, heavy downpours, etc. but the winter has always been kinda lame...until now! We missed the big snow/ice storm over Christmas, but we are ready to hunker down for the one coming on Thursday! We will hit the grocery store this afternoon and I will stay home tomorrow morning to make sure the house and laundry is clean before we potentially lose power. Who wants to stay in a dirty, stinky (only stinky because of a teenage boy) house for days???
Ben is super excited about the storm. He makes me laugh as he switches from one station to the next, trying to determine which meteorologist will be correct:) He is too cute!!!
Daniel's mom has decided to take him to his aunts house tomorrow, which means it will be me and the hubs, alone, braving this wonderful storm together:) So glad we bought logs for the fireplace!!!
There is a downside to the storm that will force us to stay in our pj's for days, snuggled under blankets on the couch, watching our DVR recordings...my niece has her 1 year birthday party in Texas on Saturday. 2 of my senior girls were going to stay the night Friday, get up early Sat, drive to the party, the drive home that afternoon. Of course the drive home was going to be full...a stop at Sam Moon, shopping at the outlet mall in Gainesville, and of course TACO CASA!!! It looks like I will miss my niece's party and the fun that would accompany:(
We have a busy month ahead though, so maybe God knows we need this weekend just to ourselves! We have a D-NOW the first weekend in Feb...we are hoping for 100 students! We have plans to eat out with friends at the Melting Pot the following Friday (for V-Day)! The next Wed., Ben will be going to a conference in Grapevine, TX...I'm totally stressing about this! We have never spent the night apart...yes, we have been to camps and slept on different sides of a cabin, but never in a different location! I think I will go stay with my parent while he is at the conference...I'm hoping he can at least ride back with me on Friday:) Of course after this, we have the dreaded surgery to face. As I was driving yesterday, I was listening to the song "Inside Out" and started to cry.
The words say "Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades. Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame, and the cry of my heart is to bring You praise, from the inside out, Lord my soul cries out"...This song is so true, but one I often forget. No matter what happens with the baby situation, I want to bring God praise! He has His reasons for what we are going through, and while I don't understand, He only has our best interest at heart!!!
God bless you today!
Ben is super excited about the storm. He makes me laugh as he switches from one station to the next, trying to determine which meteorologist will be correct:) He is too cute!!!
Daniel's mom has decided to take him to his aunts house tomorrow, which means it will be me and the hubs, alone, braving this wonderful storm together:) So glad we bought logs for the fireplace!!!
There is a downside to the storm that will force us to stay in our pj's for days, snuggled under blankets on the couch, watching our DVR recordings...my niece has her 1 year birthday party in Texas on Saturday. 2 of my senior girls were going to stay the night Friday, get up early Sat, drive to the party, the drive home that afternoon. Of course the drive home was going to be full...a stop at Sam Moon, shopping at the outlet mall in Gainesville, and of course TACO CASA!!! It looks like I will miss my niece's party and the fun that would accompany:(
We have a busy month ahead though, so maybe God knows we need this weekend just to ourselves! We have a D-NOW the first weekend in Feb...we are hoping for 100 students! We have plans to eat out with friends at the Melting Pot the following Friday (for V-Day)! The next Wed., Ben will be going to a conference in Grapevine, TX...I'm totally stressing about this! We have never spent the night apart...yes, we have been to camps and slept on different sides of a cabin, but never in a different location! I think I will go stay with my parent while he is at the conference...I'm hoping he can at least ride back with me on Friday:) Of course after this, we have the dreaded surgery to face. As I was driving yesterday, I was listening to the song "Inside Out" and started to cry.
The words say "Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades. Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame, and the cry of my heart is to bring You praise, from the inside out, Lord my soul cries out"...This song is so true, but one I often forget. No matter what happens with the baby situation, I want to bring God praise! He has His reasons for what we are going through, and while I don't understand, He only has our best interest at heart!!!
God bless you today!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
chick-fil-a sadness
Usually Chick-fil-a is a place filled with yummy chicken, sweet and spicy sauces, and big smiles on our faces. Today, however, it was just filled with sadness, at least for me.
As we sat at our normal high top table, (Lillian, the baby I babysit, next to me), I looked out the window, only to see this cute pregnant lady walking into the restaurant. Now if I had seen this during the two week wait, I would have thought, "Oh, I wonder where she go that cute top?" or "My belly may be that round in a few months!". Instead, I cried. Ben said I should write about my feelings. I feel silly writing this because if there is an other infertile reading this, you have probably done the same thing. I feel repetitive. Month after month, I cry, I get angry, I get sad, I feel jealous, and then I move on for a while.
I think today was especially difficult because just since Monday, I have had 6, yes 6! people announce their pregnancy. These are not strangers, but people I know and am truly happy for! I always feel like just a jerk being so upset and crying when I find these things out, but for those who know me, you know that they are both tears of joy for you and also tears of longing for me.
I hope today's experience does not cause me to avoid Chick-fil-a, as I really do love their food! Here's wishing all you soon-to-be-mommies a super easy, healthy pregnance with the most awesome bundle of joy in 8 or 9 months!!! And to the infertiles, don't give up! Easier said than done, I know.
As we sat at our normal high top table, (Lillian, the baby I babysit, next to me), I looked out the window, only to see this cute pregnant lady walking into the restaurant. Now if I had seen this during the two week wait, I would have thought, "Oh, I wonder where she go that cute top?" or "My belly may be that round in a few months!". Instead, I cried. Ben said I should write about my feelings. I feel silly writing this because if there is an other infertile reading this, you have probably done the same thing. I feel repetitive. Month after month, I cry, I get angry, I get sad, I feel jealous, and then I move on for a while.
I think today was especially difficult because just since Monday, I have had 6, yes 6! people announce their pregnancy. These are not strangers, but people I know and am truly happy for! I always feel like just a jerk being so upset and crying when I find these things out, but for those who know me, you know that they are both tears of joy for you and also tears of longing for me.
I hope today's experience does not cause me to avoid Chick-fil-a, as I really do love their food! Here's wishing all you soon-to-be-mommies a super easy, healthy pregnance with the most awesome bundle of joy in 8 or 9 months!!! And to the infertiles, don't give up! Easier said than done, I know.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Things I am either too unsophisticated or not quite "cool" enough for...
I have discovered a few things about myself this past weekend! I am so NOT a sophisticated lady...this makes me a tad bummed, but is also pretty humorous how this new found knowledge came about.
It all started last weekend when Daniel moved in with us. After only one night of 2 boys in my house, I needed to do something girly. So, on Saturday, I went to get my nails done! I walked in (as I had many times in the past) and said, "I need a manicure". After a moment, they took me to a seat and began to soak my nails in warm, soapy water. Now for you ladies who are sophisticated, you know that I should have walked in and said "I need a full set." I will attribute my ignorance to being very distracted by our new housemate. After a few moments, I told the girl how much I liked her nails (which were tippped) and that I wanted mine to look like hers. I was hoping this would prompt her to say "Oh, you want tips?", but it did not. We get to the part where she oils my nails and I go to wash. I sit back down and ask, "So do you just use the gel on my real nail instead of using tips?" She looked at me very puzzled, and it was downhill from there. I was almost in tears, feeling so stupid!
Well, I got my tips! So I'm feeling ok at this point...still a little dumb, but much more self confident! I make it all the way to Monday before my thumb nail popped right off! I was walking the dog with a friend and Barker, our usually sweet dachshund/jack russell mix, was a living terror. As I was pushing the button to lock his leash, my nail got caught and I watched it fly off my finger, through the air, and land on the red mud stained street. UTTER FRUSTRATION! I decided that I would quickly get it fixed and move on with life.
Then yesterday rolls around...the weekend had been horrible, with me and Ben both feeling the pressures of having a third body in our house to care for (other than Barker). Getting ready for church was a nightmare! Nothing would fit me, I felt like I looked hideous in every outfit I put on, and I was exhausted. I finally found a pair of pants that I could pin, that didn't look half bad. When I was finishing up, I hear Ben start gagging. Daniel comes into our room holding Barker and I, not so kindly, said "put him away, we are so late!" He goes on to tell me that Barker had pooped in his kennel. GREAT!!! So after Ben and Daniel left for church, I was left to clean up the mess. It was during this that yet another nail popped off. So picture this:me in my Sunday best, on my knees covered in poop, nailless, and in tears on the kitchen floor.
My conclusion: I am DEFINITELY NOT sophisticated enough for nails! If I were, I'd have a dog walker, a dog cleaner-upper, and someone to pick out my clothes!
More on this subject later...I'm sure I have bored you enough for now;)
It all started last weekend when Daniel moved in with us. After only one night of 2 boys in my house, I needed to do something girly. So, on Saturday, I went to get my nails done! I walked in (as I had many times in the past) and said, "I need a manicure". After a moment, they took me to a seat and began to soak my nails in warm, soapy water. Now for you ladies who are sophisticated, you know that I should have walked in and said "I need a full set." I will attribute my ignorance to being very distracted by our new housemate. After a few moments, I told the girl how much I liked her nails (which were tippped) and that I wanted mine to look like hers. I was hoping this would prompt her to say "Oh, you want tips?", but it did not. We get to the part where she oils my nails and I go to wash. I sit back down and ask, "So do you just use the gel on my real nail instead of using tips?" She looked at me very puzzled, and it was downhill from there. I was almost in tears, feeling so stupid!
Well, I got my tips! So I'm feeling ok at this point...still a little dumb, but much more self confident! I make it all the way to Monday before my thumb nail popped right off! I was walking the dog with a friend and Barker, our usually sweet dachshund/jack russell mix, was a living terror. As I was pushing the button to lock his leash, my nail got caught and I watched it fly off my finger, through the air, and land on the red mud stained street. UTTER FRUSTRATION! I decided that I would quickly get it fixed and move on with life.
Then yesterday rolls around...the weekend had been horrible, with me and Ben both feeling the pressures of having a third body in our house to care for (other than Barker). Getting ready for church was a nightmare! Nothing would fit me, I felt like I looked hideous in every outfit I put on, and I was exhausted. I finally found a pair of pants that I could pin, that didn't look half bad. When I was finishing up, I hear Ben start gagging. Daniel comes into our room holding Barker and I, not so kindly, said "put him away, we are so late!" He goes on to tell me that Barker had pooped in his kennel. GREAT!!! So after Ben and Daniel left for church, I was left to clean up the mess. It was during this that yet another nail popped off. So picture this:me in my Sunday best, on my knees covered in poop, nailless, and in tears on the kitchen floor.
My conclusion: I am DEFINITELY NOT sophisticated enough for nails! If I were, I'd have a dog walker, a dog cleaner-upper, and someone to pick out my clothes!
More on this subject later...I'm sure I have bored you enough for now;)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
puppy shower
Well, things are super busy around here! Ben was blessed to get to speak at a good friends D-Now last weekend...it was a blessing both financially and just to see friends! We got home late Saturday, then had to be at church at 7:45 the next morning. We also started revival which ends this Wednesday...as soon as we finish Wednesday, Ben and I head to QSBC to set up for the Oklahoma Youth Ministry Forum (Ben is on the work group for this). We have to be there super early on Thursday to get things started, but it will be fun! We have so many friends coming this year, and they have a special pampering time just for the wives on Friday!!
So in the midst of all the craziness, we have some dear friends at church who, this past Sunday, threw us a shower for our puppy...strange, a little, but so sweet:) When we got to the restaurant, we just assumed it was to celebrate Claires (one of our students) 16th B-day! Then someone yelled surprise to us...it was shocking but still so fun! For a brief period of time, I was not consumed with the fact that we do not have a baby that only has 2 legs:)
We do love Barker so much and would not trade him for anything! There is nothing sweeter than when he curls up in our lap while we sit on the couch to watch TV. In the morning, he seems to tire pretty quickly. As we are getting ready for work, he will start to whimper letting us know it's time to sit down so he can come cuddle! I know I will love my own child more, but right now, I think about Barker all the time. I worry and hope that he sleeps while we are not there so he does not miss us too much...I wonder if he knows how much we love him...I wonder if he knows that he has filled part of this void that we so often feel!
We have talked more and more about the possibility of adoption. We are not making any hasty decisions though. We will get through the rest of the doc appointments this year, then see where it all takes us. This is a rough and sometimes heartbreaking journey, but I would not want to be on it with anyone other than Ben. I know it was no mistake that God brought us together. Only Ben could handle all of my crazy emotions and crying spells when there seems to be no reason!
Thank you God for this journey. You call us to praise you in our trials so that is what I will do! I know you have the absolute best plan for our lives and I know that our human nature too many times tries to mess it up. Thank you for alwasy reminding us of the ways you have been faithful in the past. It gives us hope for the future!
God bless you all today!
So in the midst of all the craziness, we have some dear friends at church who, this past Sunday, threw us a shower for our puppy...strange, a little, but so sweet:) When we got to the restaurant, we just assumed it was to celebrate Claires (one of our students) 16th B-day! Then someone yelled surprise to us...it was shocking but still so fun! For a brief period of time, I was not consumed with the fact that we do not have a baby that only has 2 legs:)
We do love Barker so much and would not trade him for anything! There is nothing sweeter than when he curls up in our lap while we sit on the couch to watch TV. In the morning, he seems to tire pretty quickly. As we are getting ready for work, he will start to whimper letting us know it's time to sit down so he can come cuddle! I know I will love my own child more, but right now, I think about Barker all the time. I worry and hope that he sleeps while we are not there so he does not miss us too much...I wonder if he knows how much we love him...I wonder if he knows that he has filled part of this void that we so often feel!
We have talked more and more about the possibility of adoption. We are not making any hasty decisions though. We will get through the rest of the doc appointments this year, then see where it all takes us. This is a rough and sometimes heartbreaking journey, but I would not want to be on it with anyone other than Ben. I know it was no mistake that God brought us together. Only Ben could handle all of my crazy emotions and crying spells when there seems to be no reason!
Thank you God for this journey. You call us to praise you in our trials so that is what I will do! I know you have the absolute best plan for our lives and I know that our human nature too many times tries to mess it up. Thank you for alwasy reminding us of the ways you have been faithful in the past. It gives us hope for the future!
God bless you all today!
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