One line. That's all there was...no matter how long we stared and willed there to be 2 lines, there was only one. We weren't supposed to test until Friday, but I did my research and knew that the hcg from the trigger shot was out of my system and that, on that snowed in Thursday, we would have an answer. I was surprisingly ok on Thursday. I was hopeful because we had a plan. We would do the dye in my tubes to make sure they were open, another trigger shot, and a 5th IUI. That was the plan.
Friday morning, I woke up around 5am to intense cramps. I knew what was coming. I got up, went to the bathroom to confirm, then went to the couch to cry. I called the doctor around 9 to see what we should do. I'm surprised he made out anything I said through my sobs. He told us to take a month off. Ben likes this idea but I hate it! What am I supposed to do for a month? Relax? Pretend like I'm not this empty vessel whose body continually fails? Go on with life as normal? Normal to me is going to the doctor every 2 weeks or more, have things poked and prodded, filling prescriptions, getting shots...that's normal.
Now we are at a crossroads. We had a plan. Now we are questioning our plan. We have signed up to take an IVF class on Feb. 8th. I never thought it would come down to the last resort (if we want to have our own biological baby). We talked about that, embryo adoption, and regular adoption. I don't know if we can afford any of it. I know they have payment plans, but we aren't exactly rolling in the dough. We bought a new car almost 2 years ago, thinking we were buying it for our expanding family. Along with that debt, we are still paying my stinkin' student loans, and of course a house payment.
Nothing is a sure thing. We could spend $15,000 on IVF only for it to not work. We could spend $15,000 on adoption only to not be placed. I once again feel completely hopeless. I have asked God all weekend why me? What have I done that is so horrible? I know those are stupid questions. I know His best is by far greater than anything I can imagine. I don't want to be mad at Him, but I feel like He has forgotten about us.
I'm so very sorry...I can relate to all that you say and its heart breaking for me, as I relive it all over again. When we were at the fertility clinic I had to sit a cycle out (after 3 months of waiting for the green light) and I was very upset, but after a few days I got my bearings straight and willed myself to stay as busy as I could. I overloaded my schedule and took time for myself to have a manicure, pedicure and massage. That 30 days went by so quickly. And that very next IUI gave us our miracle :)
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for you and know that many others are too. Sending BIG HUGS your way.
xxx
I've been there sweetie. It sucks. Something isn't perfect in your body to create the perfect little human. Cry it out, watch a sad movie, allow yourself to wallow and then dust yourself off and figure out the next step.
ReplyDeleteA month off isn't a bad thing. We started with a month off and ended with a year off, and still counting. You know that I am secretly hoping we'll get preggers on our own, but I'm also preparing my mind for IVF. Our next step.
Take a step back and realize that it will happen when it happens, as hard as that is to hear. IVF is a big step. The money is one thing, but the strain and stress is another. It's not something to be rushed.
Take a little bit and think about your next step. The IVF class is a great idea. Don't rush.
Happy thoughts coming your way.
thanks ladies! I appreciate the sweet thoughts!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. A month feels like forever! The two week wait is unbearable enough! I pray that this time goes quickly for you. I pray for peace in your heart as your feelings of frustration are very much what I am feeling too. Sending you lots of love!
ReplyDelete