wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'

1 month old!

2011-11-28T10:16:00.000-08:00

Lincoln Andrew! You are 1 month old!!! You are the most amazing little boy I have ever laid my eyes on!!!!
You are on an awesome schedule...You eat every 3 hours starting at around 7am...I usually have to wake you up to eat! After your first feeding, you usually lay on mommy's chest and go back to sleep for a little while until it's time for mommy and daddy to get up (close to 8). You are so happy when you wake up! You started smiling right at 4 weeks old and have not stopped! You play with us while we get ready, then, right now, we head to church. You stay awake from 8-10, eat, play a few minutes, then nap until I wake you at 1! You are either awake from 1-4 or 4-7 depending on what we have done that day. I can't believe you can stay up that long! After a long wake time, you sleep really well:) Most of the time after your 7pm feeding, you will play with us till bath time at 8:30. Then we feed you at 9, put you to bed, and wake you at 11 to eat one last time to make sure your belly is full. You have typically been sleeping 4 hours during the night, wake up to eat, then sleep 3 more hours. The past 2 nights, you have slept 5 hours!!! Way to go!!!
   We just moved you up to size 1 diapers, and you will be out of your newborn clothes soon:( I can't believe how fast you are growing. At your 2 week check up, you weighted 8.3...mommy weighed you this morning and you are almost 10 pounds! You are a super fast eater, but you apparently eat a lot!
   You survived your first thanksgiving with both families. I think we put you through the ringer, being passed around so much, but you handled it like a champ! Mommy and daddy could not possibly be more in love with you! You love to count with daddy in english, spanish, and german everday! You smiled big when daddy was telling you about Jesus last night...it made mommy's heart happy!
   I love you sweet boy!!!

Time flies!

2011-11-28T10:05:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe our little man is almost 5 weeks old!!! It has been a whirlwind! When we got home from the hospital, there were so many emotions...by Saturday (after getting home on Thursday), I was exhausted and still in quite a bit of pain. All of a sudden Saturday night, the "baby blues", or so I thought, set in. When everyone had finally left, except my mom, I told Ben to meet me in the bathroom after getting the mail, and I cried for what seemed like forever. I was not prepared for that. My mom watched Lincoln until it was time for him to eat so I could sleep some. We had to take her to the train station to go home the next morning. More tears. Tons of anxiety...not that I could not handle being a mom, but fear of Ben going back to work and leaving me. I had thoughts of him not wanting to be with me anymore, and fears that I would lose him, either to someone else or that he would get into a wreck and be killed. Completely irrational!!!
   When my mom left, I had Ben call his mom to see if she would come help us. I thought I was going to be super mom when I came home, and would not need any help! ha!!! By the time she got there, I was a total mess. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and it was all I could do just to feed Lincoln. My heart just broke.
   I called the doctor Monday just to make sure I was doing everything I needed to do to get past these emotions. When I explained everything, she told me they thought I had post pardum depression. It was a new mix of emotions...I was glad to know there was something they could do to help, but completely devastated that I was diagnosed as being depressed. This was supposed to be the happiest time of my life! I was put on meds that day, and within a week, felt so much better! I am still taking a very small dose, but am hoping they will begin to ween my off next week!
   Ben has been amazing! He switched sides of the bed with me so that he could help more with Lincoln. I have come to the office with him everyday, just because the thought of being alone at home with Lincoln was overwhelming. He helps with bath time every night, and stays up with me until after the 11pm feeding. I could not ask for a better husband!!!
   Tomorrow will be our first day to send daddy off to work:( I am looking forward to getting laundry done and hopefully a nap! Lincoln is so incredibly wonderful! I would just lay with him all day if he would sleep that long:)

LINCOLN IS HERE!!!

2011-11-07T09:39:00.000-08:00

Well, the night of my last post was the last one we spent with just Ben and myself. We did out normal Monday activities, which included visitation at church. We went to bed around 10:30, only to be woken up by the most horrible pain I have ever experienced. I did pray that I would go into labor on my own. My doctor had no intention of inducing before 2 weeks, but I just really wanted every experience that goes along with having a child...and that included labor pains-crazy, I know!
   At 1:30 Tuesday morning, I woke up in horrible pain. I waited through 2 contractions, then told Ben if I have 2 more, we are not timing anything, but going to the hospital. Sure enough, they kept coming and there was very little time in between them. They started and kept up at 2-3 minutes apart! We called our best friends down the street, and dropped Barker off at their house. Kristi and Katie met us at the hospital at 3:30. We would have been there sooner, but I wanted to shower first, and go by Jack in the Box...they had already turned their milkshake machine off though:(
   When we got to the hospital, we got a ride to the doors by a nice man on a golf cart doing security. Ben wheeled me to the 4th floor, where they proceeded to ask me a ton of questions. I could barely answer when a contraction hit, as they had me in tears. They got us to a room, checked me, and said yep, we were staying! Within an hour, I had an epidural and was ready to party! Kristi and Katie stayed with us the whole time, even after our families arrived. We love them dearly!!!
   The nurse kept telling us that we were only allowed 4 people in the room at a time. Everyone would clear out, then slowly trickle back in. We were given a stern look a few times, but it was much more fun with everyone there:)
   At around noon, they called my doctor and said I was ready to push. She arrived around 1 and it all happened so fast. Lincoln Andrew was born at 2:13 on Tuesday, October 25, 2011!!! He was 7 pounds 15 oz. and 20 inches long. He scored almost perfectly on his Apgar test, did score perfectly on his hearing test, and is just amazing!!! We love him so dearly:)
   Last week was an intensely crazy week, but I'll update on that tomorrow. For now, Lincoln and I are at work with daddy, and we love it. The sling he currently sleeps in is so portable, and Lincoln is such a good baby! I'm so thankful that Ben's works at a church and, at least for now, we can still do ministry together!

Still no baby:(

2011-10-24T08:36:00.000-07:00

Well, still no baby! It has been a long and draining, but wonderful weekend...if that's possible! haha! We celebrated my birthday week last week, which was SO fun! I really thought Lincoln would come this past weekend, but nope! We went to eat lunch on Friday, and I had constant and painful contractions all through lunch...we stopped by Target to exchange some diapers and then hurried home. By this point, I had been contracting for over an hour. When we got home, Ben cleaned, took out trash, and got the car loaded while I layed down to see if the contractions would stop. At first, they kept up! They gradually got further apart, then stopped:( I fell asleep a bit disappointed, but hopeful!
That night, I fell asleep around 10:30...I rolled over around 12:30 and Ben was still awake. He told me happy birthday, and I immediately started having very painful contractions. We started timing them, and they were close! After a little over an hour and a half, I decided to take a shower and get ready, again, to head to the hospital...just after 2, I got in the shower. Once again, the contractions started to taper off and eventually stop. I was a bit devastated and exhausted at this point. We got back into bed and I cried. I am so very ready to meet Lincoln. My doctor keeps saying "anytime, anytime", but still no baby. I am, obviously, not a patient person, and this waiting is driving me crazy! I have tried to just ignore the contractions now. Everyone keep saying "you will know when it's time", so I'm doing my best to just enjoy each moment.
My family lives just over 3 hours away, and they are SUPER busy this week starting tomorrow...here's hoping he comes TODAY:)

Making Progress!

2011-10-18T12:05:00.000-07:00

Well, we were supposed to go to the doctor tomorrow, but with it being a Wednesday, not to mention the kick off to fall break and our youth lock-in, we have a lot going on tomorrow! I called the doctor's office, who called me back within the hour, to say they had a cancellation! YAY! Off we rushed, and found out that we are dilated to a 3 and 50% effaced!!! Lincoln has dropped-finally!-and we are making progress:) I am just so super excited to meet our little guy, I can hardly stand it! I know things are about to change in a big way, so I'm trying to just go on with life as usual, and give my amazingly wonderful husband as much attention as I can. I never EVER want him to think that he is 2nd in my life now or less important...he is going to be such an amazing daddy, and I just KNOW my love for him will grow even more!
That's all for today! I am hoping to update from the hospital tomorrow! haha

still waiting...weekend recap

2011-10-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

Our weekend, which starts when we leave the office on Thursday, was great! Thursday evening, Ben took me to a mexican restaurant on the lake, which unfortunately, is almost dry due to the drought. The sunset was still beautiful, and it was so much fun to have an official date night that I had been looking forward to for a few weeks! We followed dinner with some shopping for a phone cover...we had pre-ordered our iphones and knew we wanted a solid case on them ASAP! We didn't find one for me, but it was still fun just to be out on a Thursday night instead of already in our pj's on the couch (which I still enjoy immensely!). We tried to go to the movies, but since we had not looked up the times, we missed all of them. We rented a redbox instead, which was just as great...especially since I could push pause every few minutes to go to the bathroom!
Friday was kind of low key...we ate lunch out, came home and watched our movies and just spent time loving each other. I was having strong contractions that morning, but then they stopped-NO FUN!!! Ben went to do some birthday shopping that night, so I decided I would try several more at home things to induce labor...it didn't work...haha!
We had planned on sleeping in on Saturday, then going to our friends house to watch the OSU game. Before leaving, Ben said they called and asked if we would get some ice. Ben suggested just getting some from church since it was on the way. We stopped by there, and much to my surprise, he had planned a surprise party for me in the youth building!!! I truly thought we had walked in on someone else's party, and thought we needed to get out before they came so they could have their surprise. It took me some time to realize it was for me! haha! It was so much fun, and I am so thankful for the love and support of so many people.
Sunday was great! Church is always so wonderful:) We went to lunch with some friends, and my contractions came back STRONG! They were 6 minutes apart on the way home, and once again, I thought that was it! Much to my dismay, I layed on the couch and they went away again:( It is frustrating, because they hurt, and my doctor has said more than once that she would be surprised if we made it to our due date. I want Lincoln in as long as he needs to be, but am selfishly very ready to meet him!!!
I hope you all had a wonderful weekend! I am still hoping we meet our little one this week!

Bottling up time

2011-10-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

The past 2 days have been hilarious! Monday was a day filled with things to do at church to get ready for the week ahead, as well as our youth lock in next week. Tons to do, but somehow, everything Ben did or said made me laugh. We truly spent almost the entire day joking around, while still getting stuff done of course-haha! It was one of those days that if I could, I would bottle it up and put it on a shelf to remember!!!

Yesterday was a bit more rough...no progress on the delivery/labor/baby arrival front, took the Rav to Wal Mart to have them change the tires...waited 2 hours only to see that it had not been pulled in yet...went to another Wal Mart (who quoted us on tires just this past Sat) and could get right in, but now they say they don't even have those tires and cannot order them (WHAT??? Wal-Mart is CRAZY!!!)....my phone decided to spaz out and is almost completely out of commission (Friday and the IPhone 4s cannot come soon enough!)! When we finally got home from this day, I was almost in tears over just the messy day...Ben tried to take my phone and hug me so he could look at it...not what I wanted at that moment so I went into the bedroom. He immediately called Discount Tires to order the ones we wanted and came with a "hand written" note on his ipad saying how sorry he was that my phone was broken and that he loved me. I melted. After all of this, he got off the phone, and we moved right back into the loving, joking couple we were just the day before.

I write all of this so I can just remember these incredible days. God has been so good to us. We are blessed far beyond anything we deserve. I just want to know on hard days, that the good far outweighs them, and satan will not win in our family! I have a husband who diligently prays with me, for me, over me and our son. I am so thankful that God allowed him to see whatever he saw in me and choose me as his wife and mother to his children. I so desperately try not to let such small things like yesterday's events, bring me down, but they often do. Praise God that He is so much bigger that all of that silly stuff!!!!

ugh!

2011-10-11T09:11:00.000-07:00

Well, we had our weekly check up today...no news to report:( I am ok with the fact that I am not in labor or having regular contractions, etc....I am frustrated because my truly amazing doctor, told me with what seemed like such certainty that Lincoln would be here early! At our first check, I was dilated to a 2 and 30% effaced...last time she was barely able to check my dilation, which had not progressed much, and could not check effacement. Today was worse! Lincoln is SO posterior, she could not check EITHER!!! UGH! It's not that I want to be in labor right now, but I just wish I had progressed SOME! I feel like a sitting duck.
On a happier note, since I am not headed to the hospital, Ben and I have a date night planned:) We are going to eat at Lake Hefner at this mexican restaurant which I hope is great! We also get our new IPhone 4s on Friday!!! Now, we are not the type of people who have the latest and greatest technology, but we do not have a good digital camera, and the specs on this phone are supposed to be awesome! I would be thrilled if Lincoln came Saturday:)
I am a bit worried, as my doctor told me today she was going out of town next Thursday night! WHAT??? You may not be here to deliver my precious baby???? Ben thinks it's no big deal, but I want MY doctor, the one who has been with me on this journey from the beginning!!! So, we are praying, and trying all of the at home labor inducers to get this guy out before she leaves!
I'll keep you posted as things progress...or not! haha

mom update!

2011-10-09T06:50:00.000-07:00

We got a clean bill of health for my mom!!! Praise the Lord!!!! We are so very excited and thankful for this news and that we don't have to wait for results!!

In other news, there is none. I keep thinking I am having contractions, and have read countless websites about what they can or may feel like. I question if they are real or not, and then they go away. I know I'll know it when it's real and time to go. It's sometimes frustrating because Ben gets excited, then I have to tell him they went away.

We finished Ben's birthday week yesterday with lunch with his family! It was a great week of celebrating him and I am just so very thankful God created him for me!

Not much to say today, so have a blessed Sunday!

normal news and not so normal news

2011-10-05T12:23:00.000-07:00

37 weeks! That is how far along I am in this amazing pregnancy! FULL TERM!!! If our sweet boy comes today, there is a very good chance that we would walk out of the hospital, just like all other full term babies! I never in my wildest dreams thought we would get to this point! Everything is ready. Our bags are packed, the house is clean, and we are so excited. It has been nice the last few evenings to be home with nothing left to clean. Every closet, drawer, shelf and floor in our house has been scrubbed! I think if we could just live in a dust/dirt free bubble, I would do it-haha! We had our weekly check-up yesterday and not much progress was made. I am just past a 2, but she could not tell the % of effacement because I am posterior. I did not think I was because she could check it last week, but she could not this week because it was just too painful:( Ben and I have continued to walk almost everyday and it has been great! The weather by the evenings has cooled just enough that we are not miserable, and I just love our time together without technology:) So now we sit and wait a bit longer!
Ben's birthday is Saturday, so we started celebrating his birthday week this past Sunday. He gets a small present everyday, leading up to his big one on Sat...the IPhone4s...since it won't be out yet, he will get a pretty picture of it:) We are taking a vacation day tomorrow, so I am super excited to lounge around and not do much but cuddle on the couch for the next few days...words cannot express how much I love my husband! He is all that God has called husbands to be...my confidant, provider, protector!
I need him more that he knows sometimes. I talked to my mom last night, and she told me some not so great news. Apparently, she called Ben earlier in the day to make sure it was ok for her to share, knowing how it would upset me, and not wanting it to hurt Lincoln in any way. After an afternoon of praying, he told her to tell me. She has found a lump in her breast. She said that 2 doctors (one being a radiologist) do not think it is cancer, but want to do a biopsy to be sure. As she shared for a while longer and answered my 1,000,000 questions, I held it together. It wasn't until we hung up that I lost it. The thought of something happening to my mom just crushes me. I need her to be here to see her grandson grow up. If it is benign, we should know by Thursday. If it is more, it will probably be next week before we know. Ugh. I hate waiting. I have learned not to pray for patience, as that is exactly what God allow you to strive towards as you wait. So, I am just praying that Thursday comes quickly and that they are not even able to find the lump anymore!!!
I am so thankful that God is in control and that I do not have to worry (although I still do from time to time). I am going to hopefully leave you with a pic of me and my momma!

Just your normal contraction filled Thursday!

2011-09-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

I am SO thankful today is Thursday!!! Our weekend begins when we leave the office today, which will be early to catch the high school homecoming parade! I feel a bit of panic setting in, that I am not going to finish everything before Lincoln arrives. I actually slept so well last night-most likely because of the extreme lack of sleep from the previous 5 nights. I have been told that towards the end of pregnancy, you don't sleep:( I think I would have slept longer, except for the hip discomfort. All part of the joy of being pregnant:) I would take hip pain over not having this sweet one ANY DAY!!!

The day started with some nervousness. Everyday when I wake up, Lincoln and I (and the dog) enjoy some alone time on the couch. I read my bible to him and he wiggles around for at least 30 minutes. Today, there was no wiggling...I drank juice to get him moving, but nothing. After about an hour and a half, I finally felt a foot or hand thump me. That was it. It was just what I needed to reassure me that he is still ok. I still feel those insecurities from our infertility creep back in sometimes. I wish I could overcome them, but I don't think I will ever not worry about my child! He has since been on the move as normal:)

We got to church and the copier was broken. We had a lot to do today, but not much without the copier. I decided to return a few things, and do a little shopping for Ben's birthday week which starts this Sunday!!! We started celebrating the week of each others birthdays a few years ago, and it is just so much fun to give him a little something everyday:) As I was leaving, I had a contraction. Then another and another. They seemed to be about 7 or 8 minutes apart. I know this is no big deal, as they tell you not to go until they are 5 minutes apart for at least 2 hours. It still completely scared me. Not because I am not ready for Lincoln to arrive, but I thought of all the things I WANT to do before he comes...some selfish, like a haircut and maybe a pedi...but others like make sure my house is spotless before family comes and stays there while we are at the hospital (and is clean for when we come home!), get new tires, change the oil in the car...all things that need to be done before out boy arrives. Well, they stopped! No more contractions, at least for the time being! They were kind of exciting to feel, but I will be ok not to feel them again for a few days!!!

Have a blessed weekend:)

I'm Back...at least for now!

2011-09-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

Wow! I cannot believe how long it has been since I have written...so much has happened, changed, expanded in the last several months. God is just simply amazing!!! Time has truly flown by, and I could write a book about our journey:) First, let me just say that I am so incredibly thankful that God has given me Ben as a husband. I cannot imagine life, and or the last few years without him. People have told me that there is no way he is as excited about Lincoln as I am. I would tell them they have no clue what they are talking about! He has been, and continues to be, involved in every aspect of this pregnancy. He talks to my belly, reads to Lincoln. sits with me in his room as I finish things up, and took pictures of me packing his diaper bag for the hospital-and yes, I over packed! I am so very blessed and just know he is going to be an amazing daddy!!!

I know I can't go back and write the details about the last 3 or 4 months, but they have been somewhat uneventful. Our schedule at church continues to be busy, but God has given both Ben and I a renewed excitement about what God is doing here! We had an incredible missions project where we packed over 50,000 meals with our church family to send to those in need in Kenya. It was so humbling.

I have been humbled many times lately. The biggest was at our church shower almost 2 weeks ago. We truly have everything we ever wanted and more for our sweet boy! From gifts to gift cards, I cannot think of one thing we "need"...except for newborn diapers...some how I managed to tell everyone we had those, but went to pack them and saw that we had none! haha
Anyways, the love that was poured out over us was more that we ever could have imagined. So many people have prayed for us and our little miracle, and it was such a humbling experience and blessing to have our church family and other close friends spoil us the way they did.

I am 36 weeks along today. I was 2 cm dilated and 30% effaced yesterday. I know how far I have to be to push. I don't know how long it will take to get there! My incredible doctor said she thinks he will be here before his due date...I'm ok with that! I cannot wait to hold him...it will be difficult to pass him off to anyone:)
I am having trouble sleeping. When I do wake up, either from hip pain or to go to the bathroom, my mind runs with everything I need to accomplish. I don't think there is currently a single drawer, shelf, floor, or surface in my house that you couldn't currently eat off of! I love to clean, but nesting is a whole new realm for me and I LOVE IT:)

Well, there is a short (haha) update about our going-ons! I am hoping to update more frequently! We will be upgrading to the iphone 5 when it comes out-mainly because we do not have a camera that works well and this one is supposed to be great! Without internet at home, it will be nice to have a phone to update on:)

Praying you all have a wonderful rest of your Wednesday!!!

love, love, LOVE being pregnant!

2011-06-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

I seriously LOVE being pregnant! It is the most amazing feeling everyday! I hope I am still saying this in 2 months, when summer in OK is in full swing, and I am off to camps and mission trips! Right now though, this is amazing! Ben definitely felt Lincoln kick last week, and it brought tears to my eyes. During church on Sunday, our pastor was praying, and Lincoln started kicking...I quickly poked Ben and he felt the kicks again:) I woke up today, early as usual, and Lincoln apparently woke up with me. There is nothing sweeter than waking up to his sweet kicks!
The worst part, so far still, has been the back and hip pain, which prevents me from sleeping really well. I used to get so upset when I couldn't sleep, but now I just think, I wouldn't trade sleep for this sweet boy any day!!!
I finally, after painting once already, chose a color, and re-painted the nursery. I LOVE it!!! I am planning on being home tomorrow morning so I can finish painting the closet, trim, and doors. Once all of that is done, I can start hanging his letters, and the verse that my sweet friend Madi is painting for him.
I am truly blessed beyond anything I could have ever hoped for! God has been so good to us! My heart still breaks for so many of my friends and fellow bloggers who are still wanting so badly to be pregnant. I know the pain of each passing month with no results. You see your bank account dwindle and your hope fade. I wish I had words to comfort, but all I know to say is how deeply I hurt with you. It pains me to watch shows like 16 and pregnant, or read about abortion...there are so many women whose greatest desire is to be a mommy, and yet others throw that word around like trash. All I can encourage you to do is rest in the hope and peace that only God can give.
I pray anyone who reads this spends time today fellowshipping with our Heavenly Father!

growing family

2011-06-06T11:50:00.000-07:00

Lincoln will be half way incubated this Wednesday! I cannot believe how fast 5 months has flown by. There are times when I wish it would go even faster, but I want him to be completely ready, and the house to be completely ready to bring him home!
I am 90% sure I have felt him kick! It started like gas bubbles, which I chalked up to just that. But the past week, I have felt actual thumps in my belly! Now if this is not Lincoln kicking, there is something seriously not right going on inside of me! This pregnancy, not that I have anything to compare it to, has been wonderful. I hear some people's stories, and think wow, that does not sound fun at all. But I could not have asked for an easier time. The worst thing I'm having to work through is some pretty intense back and hip pain that will wake me at 4am nearly everyday! I took 2 Tylenol last night, and slept pretty well. I do have a call into my doctor to make sure that was ok, and how often I can safely do that.
Ben has been more than wonderful. He will wake up and talk to me during the night if I can't sleep, rub my back, make dinner, go on long walks to help ease the aches, and so much more!!! I had already decided to buy him and IPAD before Lincoln comes, just as a way to let him know how much I love and appreciate him (he has been wanting one for a while, but they are so expensive!) We have a friend at church that told us about a contest with his company, and that we could win one! Long story short, Ben sacrificed himself, made a pretty hysterical video, got tons of people to "like" it on facebook, and voila-WE WON AN IPAD!!!! I really think this was just a sweet blessing from God. We do not by any means NEED an IPAD, but we are so thankful this opportunity came up!
I am going to buy our second gallon of paint later to RE-paint the nursery. The first color came out horrible, so it was back to the drawing board. Fortunately, God has placed such sweet girls in our ministry, so we will be having a 2nd paint party later this week:) Hope you are all having a happy Monday!!!

letter to my sweet baby

2011-05-25T11:31:00.000-07:00

Hi my sweet little BOY!!!
Your daddy and I are so excited that we can finally call you Lincoln (not that we did not enjoy calling you Ziggy)! It is so fun that you have that identity now! We could not have been more excited than when she told us you are a boy! The doctor said you look great! You are in the 80th percentile for weight and length...Dr. L says she is sure you will be a big baby! That makes me a little nervous, as I will be the one introducing you to the world, but I don't care. You will, and already are, worth any pain I may feel!
We have prayed for you for so many long years. It is still hard to believe that you are ours! You are a miracle that only God can give. Daddy talks to you in my belly. He tells you how much we love you and how God loves you too! We read to you at night and I sing to you....I want you to know my voice when we meet for the first time.
When we saw you yesterday, you had the hiccups. It was pretty cute. I felt bad at first, but the doctor assured me that you were just practicing your breathing for when the big day gets here! I still cry every time I get to hear you little heart beat. You make mommy smile all the time!
I want to give you the world! I don't ever want you to hurt! I know that neither of those things are realistic, but hey, a mommy can dream.
Your daddy and I want you to know what a blessing you are! You have already been used by God to glorify His name, and for that, I am so thankful!
Until we meet my sweet angel, mommy loves you so much!!!

catching up!

2011-05-17T07:15:00.000-07:00

It has been way too long since I have posted...I feel like I am going to forget everything going on, but I have simply had no time to stop and blog! Even today, I have 5 minutes before I have to go teach our MDO 2 year olds, so this will be quick...
We are 17 weeks pregnant this Wednesday! I can't believe that we have know since week 3, and how fast the last 14 weeks have gone by. In those weeks I have had morning sickness, but no throwing up (thank you Jesus!), grown "up top" (which is still VERY strange to me), stopped running but started walking somewhat regularly, gained probably too much weight (trying to keep it down before the next appointment), gone on a wonderful cruise with my amazing husband, and I THINK I felt Ziggy moving this past weekend!!! Since this is my first, I really have no idea, but those that I have talked to said that yes, that is most likely what it was:) I cannot wait for this little one to kick me, for Ben to be able to feel it, and to just share in that joy together!
We will find out next Tuesday the gender of our little miracle! Once again, I CANNOT WAIT!!! But I guess I'll have to! We have it planned out how we will tell our families, since we can't be there in person:( I'll post more about that later.
Well, I'm off to spend the day with 9 2year olds!!!

Greatest Moment this week!

2011-04-13T14:34:00.000-07:00

With all that I previously wrote about, God was so good to show Himself to me in such a sweet way today. I went to breakfast with a friend/co-worker, and Ben went to a high school assembly for some students. I texted when I got back, and he told me to join him in the youth building. I figured he was trying to get away so he could study his lesson for tonight. When I walked in, I couldn't help but cry. He had made a playlist and was by himself just simply worshiping God at the top of his lungs. The first thought I had was, WOW, our baby is going to grow up with a daddy who loves to be in the presence of the One who made him or her! I came in close to the end, but got to worship for a few songs.
We decided that we should do it again this afternoon, so we told the staff, and just simply had youtube worship videos blaring, and all came together to praise our Father! IT WAS AMAZING!!! When we were done, our worship leader started talking about the story in the Bible where David spoke of worshiping without stopping. They are going to make a playlist and have worship playing 24/7 around our church. I am so excited about what God is doing in our lives personally, and we are fervently praying for God to do something incredible in our church!

P.S. I am 12 weeks along today...I am not quite sure if this is the end of the first trimester and the start of the second, or if that comes at week 13...I don't really care about that...I am just thankful to still have a few symptoms (exhaustion, nausea), because I am trusting that means Ziggy is still growing!

thoughts

2011-04-11T08:28:00.000-07:00

I have really been struggling lately with a lot of things. I have had such a hard time lately, being excited about our pregnancy, when so many people in my life are hurting so badly. I know that our "happy times" may be few and far between, and that we should take delight in them, but my heart hurts for so many right now. We have several families/friends at church who have either lost loved ones to cancer or are in the midst of seeing their loved ones struggle. No words can be enough to comfort. I know that true peace comes only from the Lord, but I just wish we as humans could do more to ease the pain. I won't let myself go to thoughts of "what if one of our parents", because just the thought is too painful.
Along with these needs, I have 2 sweet friends who are in the middle of their own infertility struggles. Once again, there are no words that I can say to make things better. I know how it feels when someone gives you their hope, and by that I mean, sharing their success story. I don't feel like that is my place. I feel like I am just supposed to cry with them, love them, and walk through this with them. I am blessed to have had a wonderful fertility doctor, whom I would recommend to anyone. One of my friends lives in the Houston area, and one close by. I just hope that if they have questions, they will ask me. I want to be that sounding board. I know God took us on our journey for a reason, and I would feel more than blessed if even part of our reason for it was to be a support to others.
On a personal note, my dad called and he lost his job this past week. He is a teacher and was working at a charter school. Apparently, they can hire and fire at leisure, without reason. My parents have had money worries in the past, but were finally getting on top of things. I definitely did not grow up rich. I know what it is like to scour the house for enough money to buy milk for the week. I hate that they are having to go through this. I wish we were rich and could give them whatever they need until something happens.
Through all of this, I know God is still in control! He still sits on his throne! We are so blessed to be 12 weeks pregnant this Wednesday and to have that sweet little one growing stronger every day. I will leave you with part of the chorus of one of my favorite Matt Redman songs, You Never Let Go...
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

staying busy

2011-04-04T12:38:00.000-07:00

I had really hoped to keep up better with this blog now that our little miracle is on the way! I don't want to forget anything that is happening, but life just seems to get ahead of me and I can't catch up! We have had the privilege of seeing Ziggy 3 times now! Each time, we have heard that strong heartbeat! This last time, at 10 weeks, we saw legs and arms dancing all over the place! Ben says there is no way our child will be a baptist, although we are, because everyone knows baptists don't dance-haha!
I have not been too sick lately, and still have not thrown up once-Praise the Lord!!! I am exhausted and don't sleep much, but we have had so much going on at church, I feel like my brain is on overdrive! Ben booked our vacation though, so I do have that to look forward to! We found an awesome deal on another cruise-this time to the Bahamas and the Turks & Caicos (we have seen this island on Wheel of Fortune, and it looks FABULOUS!!!) I am just so thankful that I will have an excuse to eat everything in sight...multiple times a day:)
Swimsuit shopping for my beached whale body proved successful, yet frightening and not so attractive. I got a super cute tankini, but the not yet pregnant look, just fat tummy, does not exactly appeal to the eyes. I had the thought at Khols that I am no longer a young wife, I am now a mommy. YAY!!!!
We go back in 3 weeks 2 days to have a check-up. I do miss my fertility doc and the bi-weekly glimpses at my sweet baby!
I am hoping there is nothing super eventful or earth shattering to write anytime soon. We leave for our cruise May 2nd, which does not seem far to most, but our next doc appt. is April 27th which right now, feels like an eternity away:)

How we told

2011-03-23T15:40:00.000-07:00

Wow! It's been way too long since I have updated...I'm afraid I have already forgotten things that I don't want to forget. Here is how we told our family and friends...
We found out on a Wednesday...it was hard because we had church that night and knew we would see many people that we were not ready to tell, but REALLY wanted to! After confirming with the doctor, we got to have lunch with Ben's mom. She was in town for a conference at another church, so the timing worked out perfectly! After our blood work, we made a quick trip to wal-mart, found a super cute frame that said "Grandkids are the sunshine of life", or something like that! Of course we didn't have a picture to put in it, but we decided to give it to her at lunch. When she opened it, she stared at it, then said, "Are you pregnant?" to which we quickly replied "YES!!!" We talked the rest of lunch about the news:)
That night at church, Ben just couldn't contain himself. He grabbed his best friend Jason, and told him he had something to show him in one of the Sunday School rooms...as soon as the door closed Ben almost yelled, "We're pregnant!" Jason could not have been happier. It was super fun to tell someone right away!
That Friday, we got to have lunch with Jason and his wife, Suzy, and tell her also.
Ben's mom took the frame we gave her home, along with two others...one for his grandma, Nano, and one for his brother Jonathan. They both said "to my" then Uncle or great-grandma!
For my family, my sister was coming to town to see us on Friday. We got a sweater of Barker's, our beloved 4 legged son, and put stickers on it that said "big brother". When she got to our house, he was wearing it. It took her a while, but when she finally saw it, she screamed and laughed and cried!
We sent a picture of Barker to my parents, brothers, and their wives with Barker in his sweater! They were of course super excited!
We told our students a few weeks later, after all was confirmed with the ultrasound. Since we are seeing a fertility doctor, we got a special ultrasound (twice now), and got to hear the heartbeat just before 7 weeks! We played a "guess that sound" game with our students that night. The last one was the heartbeat and Ben said "it's not just any ultrasound, that's Elizabeth's ultrasound, and that heartbeat is OUR BABY!!!" WE'RE PREGNANT!!!" The students screamed and a bunch ran back to hug me:) It was so great! We have been waiting so long to share our news, and I still have a hard time believing it's actually true!!!!!

how we found out!

2011-03-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

First of all, I know that many people will not read my blog anymore, and I completely understand. My heart hurts so deeply for all of my sweet bloggie friends who have not yet seen those 2 beautiful lines. I can fully comprehend the pain when you find out that someone else has been able to get pregnant, and you are still waiting. I do not want to cause anyone pain, so for that, it will not hurt my feelings at all if you stop reading until your miracle comes!
I currently find it hard to think of anything else, besides that sweet life growing inside of me. This is due to the long wait finally being over and a new one beginning, but also the exhaustion and nausea that has taken over my life (but it is the best "sickness" EVER!)
Just over 6 weeks ago, we had our 5th IUI. I was sure it didn't work...Ben swimmers were a little less than what we had hoped and my stress level was through the roof. Ben has, ever since we started trying, told me not to test without him. There has only been 1 time that I tested with him (which does not make him happy)! It is hard to test with him, knowing it will be negative. In those first few moments, I just need time to process what is not meant to be. Well, valentine's day was no different. The day started rocky with no water at home, having to shower at church, rushing home to meet the plumber, getting pulled over (praise the Lord all I got was a warning), and then the pregnancy test. I took it that Monday sure it would say "STILL NO BABY!!!", and I was right. I was surprisingly ok, knowing that we had contacted adoption agencies, made our appointment for the IVF class, and still had 1 more IUI to hope for!
On Wednesday, I took my temp as usual. I had had some cramping Monday and Tuesday night, but just thought I was about to start. On Wednesday, my temp was still up and I had not started. This was not super unusual, so I thought why not test again so I'm not wondering "what if" all day. I was SURE it would still be negative. After I took the test, I didn't really think much more about it. I brought it to the living room, sat on the couch in the dark with the dog, and proceeded to watch TV. After a few minutes I checked it and there it was...a very faint SECOND line! I didn't believe it, so I grabbed my phone to shine on the test...it was still there! I turned the light on, almost passed out, then woke Ben up. He thought it was not accurate. He said since it was so faint not to get our hopes up. He was remembering our OPK's where a faint line means nothing-lol...we drove to Wal-Mart at 7:30 to get a digital test. Ben describes it like a jack-in-the-box...you watch a little timer for what seems like forever, then POP...PREGNANT!!!
I'll share more later about telling people...more for my ability to remember as I'm sure it will bore you to tears!

my absence

2011-03-13T06:54:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been gone so very long....I don't have long today, but just wanted to share with you how completely and totally faithful God is...we are PREGNANT!!! More details to come later, but for now I will say again, GOD IS FAITHFUL!!!!

Positive Polly or Negative Nelly???

2011-02-14T13:26:00.000-08:00

My sweet husband pointed out the other day that I apparently have many names for myself, from Starvin' Marvin', to Positive Polly or Negative Nelly, etc. I did, however, decide last week that I was going to be a positive polly! My mom is one of these people and I just love her to pieces:) The week full of conscious positiveness was great! Nothing could bring me down....or so I thought. The weekend arrived with a load of events, laundry, recovering from sickness, and MAJOR MOOD SWINGS! Goodbye positive polly...hello negative nelly!!!
I guess I kind of assumed last week that we were not pregnant. I started waking up all any and all hours of the night, which has, for the past several years, been my way of knowing that AF was just around the corner. Then Friday came, and you would have thought that someone had told me the most enangering news ever! Something snapped. I yelled for no reason, said things I so badly regret to my husband, etc., etc. Saturday was no better. Then I read an article at church on Sunday in the HomeLife magazine. It was about a lady who struggled with infertility and how she was coping. For a few hours, I had some hope. I remembered that AF was not here yet, and I was just positive my ladies were getting super sore (which does not happen to me). I had myself convinced that we were pregnant! The afternoon went on and, thanks to my selfishness, we found ourselves without water.
You see, at Christmas, I asked for new fixtures for our shower, tub, and sinks. The shower proved to be a MAJOR problem, and we became the first to shower in our new youth building at church this morning. Fortunately, it is now fixed ($125 later). After quickly getting ready at church, I rushed home (got pulled over-only a warning to which I broke down thanking the cop through tears), stopping first at CVS to buy a pregnancy test, because I just had to know. One line. One stupid line.
INSERT FREAK OUT HERE! Now I was facing plumbers fees, a 6th IUI (that I don't have much faith in honestly), followed by IVF or adoption. I have started to cry a few times today, but catch myself, and think "This WILL NOT define me or consume me!!!" I know I will be telling myself this time after time over the next few days. Sometimes, I feel like my lungs will collapse. It is so hard to just take a breath right now. How many more times will be heart break before it's un-repairable???
We have many appointments in the next few weeks...we will start the doctors visits for IUI #6, take an IVF class and have a call in to meet with a local adoption agency. I don't think I knew, even 6 months ago, how much I wanted a baby. I know deep down that my relationship with Christ and my amazing husband is enough for me. I have prayed all day for God to give me a desire to in such a relationship with Him, that nothing else matters. I am not there yet...

time flies and snow falls!

2011-01-31T11:54:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me at church yesterday how I was and where we were as far as trying again. I told her that we will have our trigger shot this week (tomorrow to be exact! This will be ben's first attempt to stick me with a needle!) and our IUI shortly thereafter (on Thursday!!!) She was shocked that we are already to this point...she said "it seems like just yesterday I got your text saying this month didn't work out". It may have been yesterday for her, but it feels like years ago to me. Fortunately, I am staying super busy getting ready for our Disciple Now weekend with our students starting Friday! We have over 70 signed up, and no doubt more will sign up at the door! We are planning, preparing, and PRAYING for God to do something outrageous in the students lives over the weekend!
All of this comes only after the SNOW!!!!! For those of you who hate the cold, snow, ice, being stuck indoors, I am sorry...for those of you who LOVE IT, LET'S CELEBRATE!!!!! I truly cannot wait to be in my pj's all day (after a shower of course), cuddled on the couch with Ben and Barker, watching our DVR, and drinking hot chocolate. Life just does not get any sweeter:)
HAPPY SNOW DAYS!!!!!

Hoping for direction

2011-01-25T13:07:00.000-08:00

Thank you ladies about the HSG info! We have not decided yet if we will do it or not...after calling the doctor and hospital, it looks like it will cost nearly $2000!!! We were not necessarily prepared for that, and feel maybe like we should hold off on that, especially if IVF is down the road. We have an appointment with the doctor today, full of questions (what else is new! lol) I am hoping he can give us some direction. If not, I think Ben and I have decided to try 2 more IUI's with the trigger shot. Our first 2 at least, we do not feel were timed right. If we can get pregnant this way, I know our bank account would be happy.
I am really struggling with the cost of IVF...I have absolutely NO DOUBT it would be worth it if we got pregnant the first time. It is hard to imagine paying so much just to see another negative pregnancy test. I am not trying to be debbie-downer, and I apologize for my negativity. We spent the last 24 hours really seeking God for answers. There is no question that our hope and future are in Him and Him alone. I am so thankful He has given us such an amazing doctor to fill in all of those blanks. I really thought we would go home last night with a clear decision. We do not have that, but we both feel that going forward with 2 IUI's is what makes us the most comfortable. Wouldn't life be so great if God would just hit us over the head or allow us to run into a huge billboard full of life's questions!?!
Anyways, I told a sweet friend yesterday that, truly, I want people to see Jesus in me through all of this. I will no doubt have my bad days, and will struggle with the why's of it all. But I am dedicated to moving past those thoughts. I want so badly to bless others, especially now. We are not rich by ANY means. Not everything we can do for others is financial, but I am so excited to seek those opportunities for God to allow us to love and bless someone else. It completely takes the focus off of me and my whiny self:)
I will update tomorrow with hopefully our plan of action! I am praying for each of you who read this that God's unfailing love, mercy, and peace that passes all understanding will surround you this very moment!!!

HSG

2011-01-24T09:16:00.000-08:00

Hey friends,
I am curious if any of you have had the HSG procedure done...if so, can you tell me about it? I want nitty gritty details so I am at least somewhat prepared. Also, my doctor said there could be an additional fee for a radiologist to read the results...did that cost a ton extra on top of the procedure?
Just trying to do my homework:)
Thanks for any help you can offer!!!

one line

2011-01-23T06:20:00.000-08:00

One line. That's all there was...no matter how long we stared and willed there to be 2 lines, there was only one. We weren't supposed to test until Friday, but I did my research and knew that the hcg from the trigger shot was out of my system and that, on that snowed in Thursday, we would have an answer. I was surprisingly ok on Thursday. I was hopeful because we had a plan. We would do the dye in my tubes to make sure they were open, another trigger shot, and a 5th IUI. That was the plan.
Friday morning, I woke up around 5am to intense cramps. I knew what was coming. I got up, went to the bathroom to confirm, then went to the couch to cry. I called the doctor around 9 to see what we should do. I'm surprised he made out anything I said through my sobs. He told us to take a month off. Ben likes this idea but I hate it! What am I supposed to do for a month? Relax? Pretend like I'm not this empty vessel whose body continually fails? Go on with life as normal? Normal to me is going to the doctor every 2 weeks or more, have things poked and prodded, filling prescriptions, getting shots...that's normal.
Now we are at a crossroads. We had a plan. Now we are questioning our plan. We have signed up to take an IVF class on Feb. 8th. I never thought it would come down to the last resort (if we want to have our own biological baby). We talked about that, embryo adoption, and regular adoption. I don't know if we can afford any of it. I know they have payment plans, but we aren't exactly rolling in the dough. We bought a new car almost 2 years ago, thinking we were buying it for our expanding family. Along with that debt, we are still paying my stinkin' student loans, and of course a house payment.
Nothing is a sure thing. We could spend $15,000 on IVF only for it to not work. We could spend $15,000 on adoption only to not be placed. I once again feel completely hopeless. I have asked God all weekend why me? What have I done that is so horrible? I know those are stupid questions. I know His best is by far greater than anything I can imagine. I don't want to be mad at Him, but I feel like He has forgotten about us.

The never ending 2 year, I mean 2 week wait

2011-01-13T10:25:00.000-08:00

Well, I am one day away from week 1 of our lovely 2 week wait...
This time has not seemed so terrible-maybe it's because I won't let myself get attached to the idea that I might be pregnant. We have asked for prayer from lots of people. I am so thankful to have loving people in our lives that will stand in the gap for us when we are simply too weak. Bens parents said they fasted for us-I ws blown away by this. Their hope and ours is notin our doctor-whom we love dearly-but in the only One who knows everything!
In just over a week we will know if we are headed down the road to parenthood! Until then, I am trying to be simply cautiously optimistic!

IUI #4

2011-01-10T08:32:00.000-08:00

IUI #4...check! We stared last week with a mid-cycle ultrasound...things looked good, but not good enough to give me the trigger shot in the office. Um, excuse me! You expect me to stick myself??? I don't think so!!! If you read my post yesterday, you know how much I hate, yes HATE, rollercoasters. Well, my hatred for those fast moving, make you wanna throw-up death traps are nothing compared to my fear of needles! And now I have to give myself a shot!
Thankfully, we have quite a few nurses at our church, so after the horrible Wednesday night we had, I went to my friends house, sat in Ben's lap (this ensured proper fat roll accommodations for the needle to enter:)), and squeezed his hand so tightly he actually said "ouch"....oops...praise the Lord, the anticipation of the pain I just knew I would feel was way worse than the needle...I barely felt it! This is so encouraging to me, especially if we have to do it again. Friday morning came and it was time for the IUI. The doc said things could not have been more perfect-I have heard that before. My temp was just right, I had not ovulated yet (which is good) and all of Ben's guys were doing their job to a T!!!
I spent the rest of the afternoon laying around and Ben took such great care of me...he truly is amazing! Now we wait, AGAIN! Because of the trigger shot, I cannot test early...I am bummed, but it's probably for the best. A friend told me yesterday to drink pineapple juice to help with implantation, so of course, we promptly headed to the store to buy the biggest jug of pineapple juice available:)
I don't know what is going to happen this month, only God knows, but through all of this, God is drawing me closer to Him in a way I have never been before. I still struggle, I still get mad at Him, but I love Him more deeply than ever. He has already given me so much-a supportive and amazing husband, family and friends who care...I am blessed more than I deserve and I know a baby would just solidify that fact even more!

Well I am headed home to help Ben write the curriculum for our D-Now weekend...I am hoping I can share some of his book on here. I think your husbands (and you also) would find it both hilarious but so true to the pain that some of you are feeling. I pray each of you has a wonderful Monday...I off to drive in the snow!!!

on a rollercoaster and want to get off!

2011-01-09T08:24:00.000-08:00

It is absolutely no secret how much I dislike rollercoasters! My husband, as wonderful as he is, planned HIS perfect honeymoon-LA to see the Price is Right (Bob was still on which was really fun!), a myriad of other adventures, including Magic Mountain! I played the dutiful new wife, and gave every ride a try...I was never more thankful than when that day ended...until now. We are on a rollercoaster and cannot get off! Emotions, side effects, questions, etc...

I finally called my sister in law to congratulate her on the new little one on its way. I had to leave a message, which was probably better as I may have broken down and cried. I felt like I was overcoming those feelings of jealousy, anger at my body, and frustration. When I got back to church (this was a Wednesday) to help Ben finish up for youth, I found out through the next 2 hours of 3 pregnancies here at church. WHAT???? One by one the announcements came, and one by one the tears started to flow. My best friend, Kristi, is in the choir, and was at practice. She told me of one of them. She offered to get me out of here, which I almost took her up on, but didn't. I told Ben right before he had to go speak-shouldn't have done that, but you would never know his true feelings when hearing him talk about the love of God. I was not feeling God's love right then. All I felt were the hot tears now streaming down my face. I became the girl who hides in the bathroom stall and cries her eyes out. Thankfully, when church was over, no one asked what was wrong. We left quickly, only to head to a friends house so she could give me my trigger shot (not as bad as I thought!). I spent the rest of the night and next day feeling sorry for myself. I still struggle with jealousy (i have seen 2 of the 3 pregnant girls already) and am fighting back tears. I am praying for no worship that talks about God's faithfulness, or in His time this morning. I'll update about our IUI and Ben's book (yes he is writing a book!) tomorrow!

Happy Sunday:)

SO TIRED!!!!!

2010-12-31T02:30:00.000-08:00

Well, it is 4:18am and I am awake...not only am I awake, but I will be awake for approx. 21 more hours (and I have been up since 10:30 this morning!) I'm not complaining...I am with my husband, some best friends, and our awesome students! When Ben was a youth, his youth pastor had a 24 hour new year's party...we now do this with our students (but not every year). I am hoping and praying to be home and in bed by 1 am Sat. morn!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Mine was, well, trying...I was so hopeful that we would be sharing exciting news with our families. That definitely did NOT happen. On Christmas eve, I had a lot of bleeding. I called Ben in and cried...not just tears, but those gut wrenching sobs that you just can't control. I was certain that I had been pregnant and was now miscarrying. I was not due for my cycle to start for nearly a week, and this did not seem like my normal cycle. I did a lot of research on miscarriage versus implantation bleeding. I had myself convinced that maybe it really was implantation bleeding, but as the days went on, it was obvious it was something else. We called and made an appt. with the doc. No miscarriage-mixed emotions about this...if it was a miscarriage, that means something in my body actually worked! Since it wasn't, it simply means my body failed me again. We are taking more aggressive measures with this next IUI (which will be this coming Thursday, so for all you prayer warriors, I would appreciate those prayers!!!) I'm scared to get my hopes up again. I'm scared to try again, but know I would regret it if we did not try.

On top of all of this, my brother called yesterday with big news...he and my sister in law are pregnant again! I'm excited to be an aunt again, but so heartbroken. He said they were on birth control...OUCH! Now I feel like my family is avoiding me, like I'm this fragile little being that might completely shatter if anyone even calls. Maybe it's just my stupid emotions and hormones making me feel like this, but I would have at least appreciated someone calling to see if I'm ok...I don't want to always hide, but this makes me feel like that's what I'm supposed to do. Do they expect me to call and act like nothing is wrong? That my heart is not hurting?

Anyways, I hope this message even makes sense. I'm so tired and probably shouldn't be writing, but the students are playing a game now, so it's quiet...FOR NOW:)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Christmas Christmas time is here!!!

2010-12-23T20:58:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas Eve eve!!! I so love this time of year. I love the fact that our families live close enough to each other that we get to see both on Christmas day (but far enough that Ben and I get to spend a few hours together-JUST US!!!) We got to Texas on Tuesday evening and didn't do much except watch a movie that I had given Ben for Christmas. On Wednesday, we ate lunch with my bro, then my sister, dad, and I went to see the Nutcracker! It was super special because he used to take us when we were little girls! I have been asking Ben to take me, so I think he was especially excited that he got out of it-haha! After the show, we picked up Elliot and Chloe (my sweet, sweet niece and nephew) and they spent the night with us! There is nothing sweeter that waking up to those smiling faces and hugs! We took them to the mall, where we met up with my other bro. and nephew, and took the babies for rides on the carousel they have...they had a blast!

Tonight we ate dinner at my aunt Dee's. This has been a tradition around Christmas time for as long as I can remember. She began these dinners as a way to give my mom a break from cooking for a family of 6...it is always so great to be with everyone! I don't know if it was exhaustion, the fact that I had been with my sweet niece and nephew all day, or the 2 negative (but early) pregnancy tests, but just before dessert, the tears were flowing. I felt so embarrassed that I could not pull myself together. My oldest bro finally came over and started making jokes about something I cannot remember, but I was so thankful. I was finally able to compose myself, but not before everyone knew that my eyes were now a puffy mess.

I really thought this time was it! Everything was right according to the doctor. We had it planned how we would tell everyone, and I even thought some symptoms I typically have by now before starting, were not there. My temp still looked good, etc. I'm so empty inside. We told many friends and family before our last IUI and asked for their prayers. Now we have to go back and tell everyone that it was just not God's timing. I see my brothers and sisters-in-law with my nieces and nephews and I want it so badly. I don't think I will ever understand couples who never want children. There is nothing wrong with that AT ALL, I just personally cannot understand.

We will test one more time tomorrow, just to make sure. I really have no hope, but Ben thinks we should just in case. I don't even want to look. I already know that there will be that one single and lonely line staring up at me. Both of our daddies said we would be pregnant by Christmas...I guess it just wasn't this one.

before IUI #3...

2010-12-08T08:24:00.000-08:00

Well, we are so close to IUI #3! I'm excited...and anxious...and nervous...and SCARED!!! After our most recent ultrasound, I was pretty bummed...not everything was perfect during our last IUI...I won't go into detail, but some counts were low that should have been much higher. Why was this not told to us at the appointment? Why did we spend nearly $300 for something that had less than our already small chance of working? I was very upset! But for some reason, all of that seems to fade when I start thinking that, if all counts are good, we will be, once again, possibly PREGNANT!

Life has been crazy with church stuff, Christmas stuff, family, planning a ski trip for March with some AWESOME friends...it has been a good distraction, but I often catch myself thinking that come Christmas day, we may be announcing some big news! or wallowing in self-pity...I'm personally hoping for the first option:)

We have made the decision to tell some of our close friends and family exactly when our IUI will be (when we find out). We want all the prayer we can get, without all the questions following. We truly have such an amazing support system at our church-they are family when our families are not here to hug us, hold us, and let us cry. I have especially been so grateful to a friend at church named Jason. I have prayed and prayed for Ben to have at least one close friend to share with, or vent to, or just spend time with. Jason has been that for Ben and I am so very thankful! Jason, you are a Godsend!!!

I'm hoping to have exciting news to put on here soon, but if not, I will still keep trusting that God knows my deepest desires and that, for whatever reason, it is just not our time! Happy Wednesday!

life after iui #2

2010-12-01T12:40:00.000-08:00

Well, things have been kinda crummy lately...we got home from Thanksgiving and we think our mouse problem is taken care of-at least for now! That's not so crummy I guess:)
We are still not pregnant...I took 2 tests because I did not start when I thought I should...more hopefulness only to be taken away. We went back to the doctor on Monday. I have to have an ultrasound every time before I start the Femara, just to make sure no cysts have formed since the last time. I was doing fine when we got there, but as soon as he came in and asked how I was, I lost it. The tears started flowing and didn't stop...I was so thankful to have Ben there with me (he didn't think he would be able to get away). The news was about the same...no new cysts, will call to schedule IUI in a few weeks, count was not good last time but it can fluctuate. Now the waiting game, followed by more waiting. I am on the verge of tears every second of every day it seems. I'm sure a lot of it is just hormones and medicine, but I hate it...I'm NOT a crier.

Our fridge stopped working this week...that was another $130...so our month has been:
mouse traps and poison: $25
Femara: $30
1st consultation with fertility doc that we were not billed for but threatened to be sent to collections: $198
2nd IUI w/ ultrasound: $350
3rd IUI w/ ultrasound: $350
the anticipation of hopefully becoming pregnant in just under 2 weeks: PRICELESS!!!
Happy Wednesday:)

I don't know what the future holds, but know someone who does!

2010-11-23T18:13:00.000-08:00

So, it's only Tuesday...we had yesterday off of work, and still, this has already proven to be one of the most awful weeks to date! The weekend was awesome! We were super pumped because we spent the weekend at the Youth Ministry Forum-every year, the Bapt. General Convention puts on a Forum for youth pastors and their wives. We worship, attend break out sessions, and just get reminded how much God loves us and go home thanking Him for allowing us to be a part of students lives!

Our best friends were there so that was extra special-Daniel and Cheryl, WE LOVE YOU!!! Things started out rocky when it seemed like every wife, other than me, was either pregnant or carrying her "fresh from the hospital" baby. Don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful they are welcomed to bring these beautiful little things, but there were a few times I was wishing they didn't. I fought back tears for a while, and then during the first worship session, I looked over to see a mom in front of me holding her new baby and singing these worship songs to him. I completely fell apart. There is nothing sweeter or more heart-breaking at the same time. I made it through the rest of the weekend ok, knowing that there was still a chance that this second IUI worked. Right after the IUI, I had trouble sleeping. This happens a lot just before I start...I was worried, but knew that the IUI had not had time to really work. The longer I went without sleep, the more exhausted (which always makes me cry) I got and began losing hope.

Put all of that in the back of your mind as I move on for a second. Before going away for the weekend, Ben and I spotted a mouse in our house-EEEEEEEWWWWW!!!!!! People kept saying that it's normal this time of year, especially since we live close to some fields. We bought a no-kill trap, only after my emotional melt down in Wal-Mart because I did not think these mice should have to die! When we got home from the conference, the strategically placed, peanut butter covered trap worked-3 mice!!! Ben let them go and we felt confident until.....Sunday night watching TV, I heard something in the kitchen. We paused the tv and there were 2 little mice peeking out from the top and bottom of our stove-EEEEEWWW!!!!!!!!!! I quickly went to wal-mart again, this time with a different attitude...THEY MUST DIE!! We have not caught any more but have 17 traps set out while we are gone for Thanksgiving!

This brings us to yesterday. I was awake most of the night, and at 5am took a test. Big surprise-it was negative. I spent the next several minutes crying in the bathroom so as not to wake Ben up. I finally got back into bed, turned the tv on and cried into the comforter. All hope was lost. All of the thoughts of how we would tell our families over Thanksgiving went away. I was an empty, broken, angry, and hopeless being. After I told Ben, we cried together for a bit, then went to lunch. When we came back, we decided to be proactive on the mouse front, and spent the next 3 hours cleaning and re-packing the garage. Ben went inside for something and yelled from the laundry room. It seems a hose was loose, and there was water EVERYWHERE! Part of our wood floor is ruined and, if we cannot dry it out, the carpet in the back bedroom. I lost it. I yelled until I couldn't anymore. It was too much. My sister in law called and I broke into sobs. I took a walk and came back and yelled some more. Then my brother called and I fell apart again. Ben just held me and let me cry.

For whatever reason, I was so very hopeful this month. I did everything right. I stopped drinking caffeine, I didn't work out so as not to raise my body temp., I didn't lift anything heavy, I ate right, but yet my body failed me. Words cannot explain the hurt I feel. Why can't we get pregnant? What if it still doesn't work with the next IUI? We can't afford the other options.

Ben has been so great and continues to be. I am so dedicated to not letting Satan have any victory in this-at least not any more than I gave him yesterday! God is still in control!!!
(sorry for the novel if you make it this far:))

ramblings

2010-11-17T15:09:00.000-08:00

So I only have a few minutes before I need to head over and help the hubby get ready for youth tonight, but wanted to share a few things...
-I have been reading this FANTASTIC book (at least in my opinion) that I got from the doctor's office on Sunday...it's called "Every Drunken Cheerleader...Why Not Me?" It is hilarious and heart-breaking...it really just solidifies the fact that I am not alone in this crazy infertile world! This book is great if you are struggling with the big "I" as she calls it (infertility), or if you have a friend who might be going through it. It explains all about the crazy hormone induced rages she went through, how difficult it was to be a friend when you need a friend, the never ending (or so it seems) onslaught of baby shower invites or announcements that make you weep when you think about them...but it also puts it all into perspective. I could choose to wallow in self pity and never leave home, or I can live my wonderful life that God has given me, strive to be the best wife and friend possible, and know that God will never give me anything I cannot handle! This is not to say that I won't have or feel entitled to my moments of what I assume agony feels like. I will still cry in less than a week if the pregnancy test is negative. I will still only want my husband to cry on for the day, but will secretly hope friends will text, because who wants to go through this without that support?! But I know that if the test is negative, we will try again!

Onto the second reason for this post...I was able to go home for a few minutes between working at church and the students arriving, so me and Barker (my cute and oh so cuddly dog) decided to watch The Doctors...this episode dealt with drug addiction. They had teens girls on who were addicts and one had had 2 miscarriages. They then showed a center for babies that came from moms with drug addictions. I sobbed for probably 20 minutes...it was the most awful thing I have ever seen...how can people do that to an unborn child? Why would you ever think that was ok??? I cannot with words explain how badly I want a child, and to see that makes me sick!!!!

That is all for now...hope everyone has a great rest of their Wednesday!

week in a nut shell

2010-11-07T06:16:00.000-08:00

This week has been exhausting, wonderful, stressful, joy-filled, long, but awesome!!! I think we worked close to 70 hours this week, but it was all worth it! We had our ENCOUNTER meetings Wed-Fri. night with Afshin Ziafat. If you have never heard him or heard of him, you are missing out (I'm sure there are things on youtube). He is an evangelist with an amazing story...basically, he grew up Muslim, became a believer, his family disowned him then took him back, he told his dad he was going to go into the ministry, his dad disowned him again, relationships have been restored, and he now preaches about the goodness of our Father all over! We saw many saved this week which was so exciting!!!

That has pretty much been our week...the distraction has been good, although I find myself checking my calendar, counting days, trying to figure out when we might go back for round 2 at the good 'ol doc's office:) I'm scared and excited, nervous and hopeful, anxious and terrified...I'm pretty much a big bag of emotions! But hey, I'm a girl, so I'm aloud to be!!! :)

I hope everyone has a great Sunday, and enjoyed that extra hour this morning!!!
"He loves us, oh how He loves us!"

good report

2010-11-02T12:51:00.001-07:00

The doctor's appointment yesterday went about how we expected...I was so thankful Ben could be there with me! No cysts-PTL!! We started the meds today, then in a few weeks we will go back for iui #2...I think the best part about the procedure (other than the fact that I could finally get pregnant) is that I am ordered to lay around the rest of the day and take it easy:) I can handle that!!!

Ben and I talked more on a walk with our child (furry, four legs, and cute as can be), and discussed more what IVF versus adoption would look like. We didn't come to any conclusions. It is hard to just live in the now, and not think about the what-ifs. I wish I could be a positive polly and not a negative nelly, but thanks to my wonderful mom (and she truly is), I think I have inherited a forever glass half empty gene:( It all balances out though...Ben always sees the positive in every situation it seems! It just reinforces the fact that God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought us together!!!

Well, we are off to vote! Happy Tuesday:)

no time!!!

2010-11-01T09:39:00.000-07:00

I truly don't have time to post, but feel like things are moving so fast and if I don't write about them, I will forget!

First of all, let me just say again what a blessing it is for my husband to be on staff at the church we are at! Our pastor and his wife are some of the most amazing people I have ever encountered...we have never felt as loved as we do here! Our staff as a whole are just incredible! Everyone has their ups and downs, but at the end of the day, I think everyone can truly say how well we work together and just love each other.

Next, WE OPENED OUR NEW YOUTH BUILDING!!!! Last week was so difficult, as we were not ever home except to sleep and shower...not to mention that because I am a girl, I apparently have certain hormones that decide to keep me awake all night! By the time Wednesday rolled around, I was a big mess. Ben and I were so distant-he was doing his thing and I was doing mine...when worship started that evening, I started crying. I didn't cry out of sadness, but just thankfulness that God's presence was so real! After worship and Ben speaking, we moved into the youth building for a short time of worship...here come the tears again! It was amazing to see 10 years of planning on Ben's part, and God's faithfulness come together!!! We had our first official Sunday morning in there yesterday and I think the students loved it:)

Finally, we are still on this what seems like a never-ending journey with infertility. We did have our first IUI on October 16th...it was unsuccessful (which is probably why the water works were flowing last week-ha!) We are scheduled for an ultrasound today to make sure I do not have any new cysts growing...if all goes well, I will start round 2 of Femara, track my temp. and other fun things, then IUI #2...I am not sure what my emotions will be like if this one does not work. After failure #1, at least we have 2 more to try...now, if this one fails, we are down to one chance. Ben and I briefly talked this morning about IVF versus adoption...both are incredible expensive, and potentially heart breaking...as always, I know God is in control. He will never give us more than we can bear!!!

God is so good, and I am so not!

2010-10-27T09:20:00.000-07:00

This week is very exciting! Our youth building was approved by the fire marshall, which means that, at least part of the time, our students will finally get to see, explore, and enjoy what they have been waiting so long for!!! God showed up in a big way this past Sunday. Some may say that God always shows up and maybe we were the ones to finally show...maybe so. But all I know is that felt God's presence more than ever this past Sunday. The room was thick with his love, kindness, gentleness, and mercy.
I really feel like God has some big things in the works for our sweet church. Satan knows this and has been working furiously to derail all that God has to offer. This week has been filled with heartache for so many of our friends. My heart hurts for them. I also know that it is when we are weak that HE is strong!
We are so blessed to be a part of this church and the people God has here! Our church is not perfect, as none is...but our church family comes together and rallies behind one another in a way I cannot describe!
I am so frail. I have so many weaknesses. My heart hurts. But God is not frail. He is strong, and He wants to take my pain!
My prayer for anyone who may read this is that, whatever you are going through, know that God is there. He wants you to tell Him. If you need to yell, then yell! If you need to cry, then cry. He so desperately wants to be connected to you!

it's been a while!

2010-10-24T08:22:00.000-07:00

As I read more and more blogs, I realize that I really appreciate the outlet...it is comforting to know others understand, and get tips on things that I may not understand! I always thought a diary was so cool, but never kept up with it...I really want to keep up with this! I want this to be something I can look back and read, and be reminded of just how faithful God truly is!

Things have been so great lately! Ben and I were able to go on a cruise in September to Mexico...it was a much needed vacation! We had a BLAST and it was hard to come home to reality...although we sure did miss Barker:) I keep thinking about how much I love that silly dog and how much more I will love a real little person!

For now, life is so busy, that we do not have extended amounts of time to dwell on what we wish we had. We are so close to opening our new youth building at church, so every spare moment is spent working or planning for all that entails! We are super excited to see how God will use those metal walls to bring students to the saving knowledge of Him!!!

On another note, can anyone tell me how to upload pics here???
Thanks:)

A series of unfortunate events

2010-04-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

Wow! I can't believe I am blogging again! After I "stepped in stupid", as my mom told me, I had decided not to blog anymore. After this morning, I just couldn't help myself!

You see, I babysit a little girl who is 9 months old. It has turned into a much larger "babysitting job" than originally agreed to, but because I am not big on confrontation or talking much about my thoughts (which is why I LOVE blogging), I have let it become this monster (the job not the baby:))
Anyways, her dad drops her off pretty early-7am-which is ridiculously early for me! When he brings her in today, he tells me that he changed her diaper before leaving, but on the 20 min drive to my house, she decides to make a bit of a mess in her diaper. Thinking we caught it early, I thought no big deal. Upon further review, it seems she has had a blow-out...all over her, her clothes, her carseat, etc. Now, typically, and I don't understand this, they do not pack extra clothes for her (even though I have told them this is pretty typical for her), but dad happened to have an outfit in his car-yea!!! So after he hurries off to work, I begin to change baby. I have her standing up and supporting her with one hand, while trying to get the diaper off with the other...i successfully remove the diaper (she is standing on a towel since I am not a mother and that is the best I can do for a changing table). As soon as the diaper comes off, I hear a splattering noise...turns out she decided not to pee until she could land it on my rug!!! So I pick her and the towel up and rush to the sink.

As I am traveling from living room to kitchen, I look over to see that apparently dad had stepped in the lovely red clay dirt that Oklahoma has to offer and it is all over our semi-new carpet! FREAK OUT TIME!!! Ben was with 2 students at breakfast so I was left to deal with the poop, pee, mud, and a whiny dog! After getting her cleaned, diapered and clothed again, I threw her dirty ones in the wash and went for the carpet. I think I got it out but will be borrowing a friends steam cleaner tonight!

After this, it was time for her to eat...big surprise that she had to sneeze with a mouth full of cereal! After cleaning myself up, I went to put her leftovers in the fridge, which of couse fell, broke and splattered all over the floor. When Ben called to let me know he was on his way home, I wanted to be mad at him for leaving me with the mess. When he walked in and I started my story, I could tell he was holding back his laughter...I was glad because we were both able to laugh:)

I am so thankful she is generally a good napper...going on hour4 now! Still no baby for us, but more hopeful than ever:)

cardboard testimony

2010-02-08T11:20:00.000-08:00

If you have not seen this, it is very moving and emotional. I saw it on Kelly's Korner blog and showed it to Ben. We both sat here with tears streaming down our face. This is what a relationship with God is about!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvDDc5RB6FQ

staying busy

2010-02-03T10:33:00.000-08:00

This weekend, we will be having hopefully, around 75 students for our HD Weekend! We are super excited to see what God will do during these few days! In the meantime, we are so busy trying to get ready...there are decorations that have to be put up, lights placed just right, gift baskets purchased and put together, etc...needless to say, we have been busy! But it has been fun...we are really looking forward to the weekend with these awesome students!

My most recent doc. appt. was an ok one...she was very encouraging about the upcoming surgery, telling a story, of course, of a successful one. I am trying not to get my hopes up about it, but am trusting God that it will fix our "issues". If not, she said that there is a hospital in the city that she would recommend for fertility treatments. Apparently, they have an insurance policy and if you do not get pregnant after 3 IVF's (which could be over $30,000) they will give you your money back! I am not super pumped at the price or the thought that we might have to have the money returned, but at least we could take that and put it towards adoption, if it all comes down to that.

Ben and I talked today though, and I have decided to, at least for now, trust that we will be pregnant by the time we go to Falls Creek! That is in late June and gives us plenty of time:) Of course, if we were preg. at that time, a week at Falls Creek may be brutal! I will take puking and not eating at Falls Creek (even if it is the best food on the planet) over not carrying our child!

That's all for now...have a great day:)

Crazy Love

2010-02-01T12:09:00.000-08:00

Ben has been reading this book, "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan for a little while now. I have not had much motivation to read it before now. We had a long talk this weekend about where we are in our spiritual walks. I shared that I feel like I have been left to walk a lonely path recently. Since starting the book, he has been super excited to start ministering in our neighborhood, the area around our church, and really just everywhere. I have felt like he has kind of left me in the dust as I have not been feeling this way at all. I am in a rut. I cried. He prayed for us, and I decided to start reading "Crazy Love". All I can say it that, in the past 2 days, I have fallen more in love with Jesus than I think I have ever been! I have heard it a million times before but I just read "He has chosen to love you!" Isn't that insane??? The creator of all things cares enough to choose to love and seek after broken, selfish, unloveable me! I would recommend this book to anyone and everyone!!!

I have been so frustrated and angry with God since we started TTC. I ask why all the time...why her and not me? Why does my body not work? Is there a lesson I am missing in all of this? I think I have blamed God and therefore decided I do not need His help. We have prayed and prayed for a miracle, for God to allow us to be pg before Ben's surgery. But I think I have come to realize that Ben has been praying and BELIEVING! and I have just simply said the words "God do a miracle and I'll give you the glory" without truly thinking He would.

Well, my attitude is changing. I am realizing more and more that, at least for me, how could I expect Him to bless me with anything when I have done nothing to seek Him? I don't want to seek Him so He will give us a baby. I know that being madly in love with Him, I will still hurt each month if we are not pg, and that's ok. BUT, I want His love to so consume me that even through the tears, I can praise Him!

God, I pray that you would give me a passion for you! Give me a passion to fall more deeply in love with you!

Here comes the storm!!!

2010-01-26T08:30:00.000-08:00

So living in the south typically provides little excitement as far as winter weather goes. The spring is full of tornadoes, hail, heavy downpours, etc. but the winter has always been kinda lame...until now! We missed the big snow/ice storm over Christmas, but we are ready to hunker down for the one coming on Thursday! We will hit the grocery store this afternoon and I will stay home tomorrow morning to make sure the house and laundry is clean before we potentially lose power. Who wants to stay in a dirty, stinky (only stinky because of a teenage boy) house for days???

Ben is super excited about the storm. He makes me laugh as he switches from one station to the next, trying to determine which meteorologist will be correct:) He is too cute!!!

Daniel's mom has decided to take him to his aunts house tomorrow, which means it will be me and the hubs, alone, braving this wonderful storm together:) So glad we bought logs for the fireplace!!!

There is a downside to the storm that will force us to stay in our pj's for days, snuggled under blankets on the couch, watching our DVR recordings...my niece has her 1 year birthday party in Texas on Saturday. 2 of my senior girls were going to stay the night Friday, get up early Sat, drive to the party, the drive home that afternoon. Of course the drive home was going to be full...a stop at Sam Moon, shopping at the outlet mall in Gainesville, and of course TACO CASA!!! It looks like I will miss my niece's party and the fun that would accompany:(

We have a busy month ahead though, so maybe God knows we need this weekend just to ourselves! We have a D-NOW the first weekend in Feb...we are hoping for 100 students! We have plans to eat out with friends at the Melting Pot the following Friday (for V-Day)! The next Wed., Ben will be going to a conference in Grapevine, TX...I'm totally stressing about this! We have never spent the night apart...yes, we have been to camps and slept on different sides of a cabin, but never in a different location! I think I will go stay with my parent while he is at the conference...I'm hoping he can at least ride back with me on Friday:) Of course after this, we have the dreaded surgery to face. As I was driving yesterday, I was listening to the song "Inside Out" and started to cry.
The words say "Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades. Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame, and the cry of my heart is to bring You praise, from the inside out, Lord my soul cries out"...This song is so true, but one I often forget. No matter what happens with the baby situation, I want to bring God praise! He has His reasons for what we are going through, and while I don't understand, He only has our best interest at heart!!!

God bless you today!

chick-fil-a sadness

2010-01-20T11:07:00.001-08:00

Usually Chick-fil-a is a place filled with yummy chicken, sweet and spicy sauces, and big smiles on our faces. Today, however, it was just filled with sadness, at least for me.

As we sat at our normal high top table, (Lillian, the baby I babysit, next to me), I looked out the window, only to see this cute pregnant lady walking into the restaurant. Now if I had seen this during the two week wait, I would have thought, "Oh, I wonder where she go that cute top?" or "My belly may be that round in a few months!". Instead, I cried. Ben said I should write about my feelings. I feel silly writing this because if there is an other infertile reading this, you have probably done the same thing. I feel repetitive. Month after month, I cry, I get angry, I get sad, I feel jealous, and then I move on for a while.

I think today was especially difficult because just since Monday, I have had 6, yes 6! people announce their pregnancy. These are not strangers, but people I know and am truly happy for! I always feel like just a jerk being so upset and crying when I find these things out, but for those who know me, you know that they are both tears of joy for you and also tears of longing for me.

I hope today's experience does not cause me to avoid Chick-fil-a, as I really do love their food! Here's wishing all you soon-to-be-mommies a super easy, healthy pregnance with the most awesome bundle of joy in 8 or 9 months!!! And to the infertiles, don't give up! Easier said than done, I know.

Things I am either too unsophisticated or not quite "cool" enough for...

2010-01-18T12:36:00.000-08:00

I have discovered a few things about myself this past weekend! I am so NOT a sophisticated lady...this makes me a tad bummed, but is also pretty humorous how this new found knowledge came about.
It all started last weekend when Daniel moved in with us. After only one night of 2 boys in my house, I needed to do something girly. So, on Saturday, I went to get my nails done! I walked in (as I had many times in the past) and said, "I need a manicure". After a moment, they took me to a seat and began to soak my nails in warm, soapy water. Now for you ladies who are sophisticated, you know that I should have walked in and said "I need a full set." I will attribute my ignorance to being very distracted by our new housemate. After a few moments, I told the girl how much I liked her nails (which were tippped) and that I wanted mine to look like hers. I was hoping this would prompt her to say "Oh, you want tips?", but it did not. We get to the part where she oils my nails and I go to wash. I sit back down and ask, "So do you just use the gel on my real nail instead of using tips?" She looked at me very puzzled, and it was downhill from there. I was almost in tears, feeling so stupid!
Well, I got my tips! So I'm feeling ok at this point...still a little dumb, but much more self confident! I make it all the way to Monday before my thumb nail popped right off! I was walking the dog with a friend and Barker, our usually sweet dachshund/jack russell mix, was a living terror. As I was pushing the button to lock his leash, my nail got caught and I watched it fly off my finger, through the air, and land on the red mud stained street. UTTER FRUSTRATION! I decided that I would quickly get it fixed and move on with life.
Then yesterday rolls around...the weekend had been horrible, with me and Ben both feeling the pressures of having a third body in our house to care for (other than Barker). Getting ready for church was a nightmare! Nothing would fit me, I felt like I looked hideous in every outfit I put on, and I was exhausted. I finally found a pair of pants that I could pin, that didn't look half bad. When I was finishing up, I hear Ben start gagging. Daniel comes into our room holding Barker and I, not so kindly, said "put him away, we are so late!" He goes on to tell me that Barker had pooped in his kennel. GREAT!!! So after Ben and Daniel left for church, I was left to clean up the mess. It was during this that yet another nail popped off. So picture this:me in my Sunday best, on my knees covered in poop, nailless, and in tears on the kitchen floor.
My conclusion: I am DEFINITELY NOT sophisticated enough for nails! If I were, I'd have a dog walker, a dog cleaner-upper, and someone to pick out my clothes!
More on this subject later...I'm sure I have bored you enough for now;)

puppy shower

2009-11-17T10:50:00.000-08:00

Well, things are super busy around here! Ben was blessed to get to speak at a good friends D-Now last weekend...it was a blessing both financially and just to see friends! We got home late Saturday, then had to be at church at 7:45 the next morning. We also started revival which ends this Wednesday...as soon as we finish Wednesday, Ben and I head to QSBC to set up for the Oklahoma Youth Ministry Forum (Ben is on the work group for this). We have to be there super early on Thursday to get things started, but it will be fun! We have so many friends coming this year, and they have a special pampering time just for the wives on Friday!!

So in the midst of all the craziness, we have some dear friends at church who, this past Sunday, threw us a shower for our puppy...strange, a little, but so sweet:) When we got to the restaurant, we just assumed it was to celebrate Claires (one of our students) 16th B-day! Then someone yelled surprise to us...it was shocking but still so fun! For a brief period of time, I was not consumed with the fact that we do not have a baby that only has 2 legs:)

We do love Barker so much and would not trade him for anything! There is nothing sweeter than when he curls up in our lap while we sit on the couch to watch TV. In the morning, he seems to tire pretty quickly. As we are getting ready for work, he will start to whimper letting us know it's time to sit down so he can come cuddle! I know I will love my own child more, but right now, I think about Barker all the time. I worry and hope that he sleeps while we are not there so he does not miss us too much...I wonder if he knows how much we love him...I wonder if he knows that he has filled part of this void that we so often feel!

We have talked more and more about the possibility of adoption. We are not making any hasty decisions though. We will get through the rest of the doc appointments this year, then see where it all takes us. This is a rough and sometimes heartbreaking journey, but I would not want to be on it with anyone other than Ben. I know it was no mistake that God brought us together. Only Ben could handle all of my crazy emotions and crying spells when there seems to be no reason!

Thank you God for this journey. You call us to praise you in our trials so that is what I will do! I know you have the absolute best plan for our lives and I know that our human nature too many times tries to mess it up. Thank you for alwasy reminding us of the ways you have been faithful in the past. It gives us hope for the future!

God bless you all today!

typical wednesday

2009-02-25T18:00:00.000-08:00

Well, this is my second attempt at a blog, and there is no guarantee I will even figure out how to get back here-ha!
but for now, the title pretty well says it all...today was a typical Wednesday! The day was filled with preparation for tonight's INFUSION service, talking with Ben about (and disagreeing about) many ideas, and lunch thrown in there somewhere.
It was hard getting back into the swing of things. We have spent the past two days at a Super Summer staff retreat. I was so nervous going into it, thinking there would be all of these ladies attending who have known each other for years and would have no reason to want to get to know me. Ben was so understanding to listen to my irrational fears, and pray that God would allow me to make a friend...and I did!!! It is just so funny that God truly listens to our silliest requests.
For Ben and I, our biggest prayer is that God would allow us to get pregnant. We have been trying for a while now, but it has just not been our turn. It has been difficult to see many of our friends at church go through pregnancy together, and in the last 4 months, 3 babies have been born. God is teaching me to be content with where I am, which is not always easy...but God is always faithful!!! He has blessed me with an AMAZING and UNDERSTANDING husband who lets me cry, or complain, or just talk. I love him so much and cannot wait for the day to tell him that God has blessed us even more!
For now, we are enjoying each and every moment we have with just the two of us!